Oblivion ✔

Lost

It seemed to me, writing could take it out; the sadness. But it just reminds me of everything I'm writing for. Everything I'm waiting for.

For myself to grow or for you to be here, to come home. 

But is it even yours? Do you even think of me? Do you ever think of us? Do you ever miss me?

I miss you dearly.

But maybe now, I'm just a vacant house and you have your new home. A person to call yours, a person to call. 

I miss who we were, I miss myself, who had you. I envy her, I hate her. She  bought me love. My love bought me pain. 

Now it's just those pretty memories that scare me. 

When you hold my hands, in my wildest dreams, It's sweet at that second but it's a nightmare. It wakes me up gasping for breath, crying my eyes out, in front of everyone who sees me. 

They say I'm weak. I've gone through nothing and he was nothing. 

I'm a nobody too, painting dreams on a canvas, without the paints, without the brush.

I despise myself, the brave girl who confessed, she bought me happiness,  she bought me the world, she bought me him.

Then she took it away.

Everything that I used to call mine. Every part of me longed to run back.

But there was no place to go. He was gone like he came. 

So I wandered along the fields. Searching for love in his eyes, I wandered along to find him, the one that I couldn't call mine. The one who showed me hate in his eyes.

At me, for me, just hate and nothing else.

It ruined me to realize, life isn't a fairy tale. The one I played house with. I don't get to call him home. I don't get to have happiness, with the one I wanted desperately.

To keep aside my love, I lost a friend too. A friend of my childhood. 

Twelve cards when he turned twelve. Thirteen gifts when I was thirteen. The comic in my shelf, the teddy on my bed or the cards he gave. Now they just lay bare, lifeless. Holding a hundred meanings and a hundred different stories that we shared.

Fourteen and fifteen, he was there. Sixteen and seventeen he was there. 

Someone who cheered me on, I lost him. Someone who liked who I  was, I lost him. I lost a friend for life. I lost him for love. Thought I could have both, I lost it all.

Chubby cheeks, sparking eyes and that smile, which for god's love I couldn't describe. My childhood was in it, the smile that reminded me of paper planes and fishes. I lost it. 

How he talked when he was enthusiastic, how he looked when he was tensed. The goofy talks of space and everything between it. I miss it.

I miss it to death. But I'm happy I got to meet him. I'm happy, I got to know him. I got to be close, I got to be called his, not a long time ago. I hope he is happy, I hope he is safe. 

My love of seventeen.

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