Oblivion ✔

Pity

The voices are so loud, they are so prominent.
But the voices inside my head are louder than the laughter above me.
I'm surrounded in this pity, they pity me, I pity myself.

And everyone looks here once, then they go, to whomever is more funny to whomever who doesn't pity.

Pity, pity, pity, I pity myself.
Remembering that moment when I fell, the pain of it and the ones to come.

In the rush of the people who came and went, somewhere between them, I lost myself.

Nothing I did to get it back and they never come back.

I never pushed myself to go above there, where people smiled and they laughed, not because they had to but because they were happy.

Even when I was okay, I pitied myself, until I wasn't.
It hurt again and again, to hurt myself but I did it anyway.

I betrayed the girl, who looked upto me.
The child in me cries and calls me back.
But I'm too far away in the melancholy, to notice myself disappearing.

I'm bad, I'm bad oh I'm worse,
The girl who betrayed herself,
Not just the present the future too, everything muddy dusty and dirty.

Pity, pity, pity, I pitied till I hated the smell of myself. It stinks to be me, it stung to look at myself.

I see it like everyone else does, I see it everyday how I am disappearing day by day.

First the hands go then the torso, suddenly I'm drowning, I see it, they see it, everyone else does and yet, I do nothing when everyone else tries to save me.

I see it, the damped hair, the muffled cries of help, the helpless wagging of the legs.

I see myself struggling, I see myself drowning, right in front of me.

And yet, all I do is pity.

I pity myself.

I wish, I wasn't me.

I wish I was who I said I could be. 

The girl who is hoping on me, to feed her, to love her, to keep her safe.
What do I tell her? What do I have to show? How will I keep her, when I hurt her a million times?

Today I pray for myself to help me,
not to pity, not to disdain, not to hate.

I pray myself to help me, everyday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~