CK'S JOURNAL

Tuesday, 12 January 2021

Hey guys!!

Let's get right to the point shall we?

I think I may have taken a step forward with this guy. But, as usual, because it's me, I'm stuck again. I have no idea how to proceed.

Funny thing was that I randomly remembered how old my dad will be this year and I was so shocked that I just immediately texted him on Discord.

Now, we suddenly have each other's snapchat. 😳

I don't know how to proceed. What should I do or say now? I'm so used to people always giving up on me before anything could happen that I'm really confused with this guy.

Cuz no matter how I act up sometimes, he's still here. Willing to talk to me. Or maybe I'm looking in too deep about this. Maybe he's just a really nice guy. Maybe he's just being friendly.

Oh and also, I forgot to mention, the reason we have each other's snapchat now was because I mentioned that I'm getting old. But, people still think I'm like 22 or younger.

He actually thought I was 28 so I corrected him and mentioned to him that he's the first person to think I'm older than my actual age. But, of course, there's no way he could guess it right if he has no idea how I look like. Also, I really just think people can't believe I'm older than 22 because of my height.

Everyone can tell I'm not a child but they won't believe I'm almost 30.

So, he ended up asking for a picture of me to see if I really look like a 26 year old or not. When I gave him my picture, he said he would've guessed 25.

Anyways, *sigh*, should I even bother myself and try to see if this could go anywhere? He's younger than me and I feel like I would only hold him back. I'm surprised he even still talks to me after finding out my age.

*sigh*

If I want to try and turn this into something but then it falls apart, I might not be able to feel anything again for a very long time. I usually don't let it get too far so I can always go back and leave before it could get anywhere.

I rather not experience heartbreak if someone else is going to do it. I can break my own heart, but I don't think I can take someone else destroying it. I'm still too scared to go there I guess.

Well, now you know what happens when someone was always held back from ever forming any relationship until they're 21. Now, I'm just socially awkward and can't even keep a conversation going. Well, not unless I turn off my filters.

*sigh*

Should I or should I not?

I don't know anymore. On the one hand, I want to keep going. But on the other, I want to stop before it could damage either of us. *sigh*

So, yeah, I still have no solution here. I don't know why I thought talking about it will help me find an answer.

Anyways, I'm really tired today so I'm gonna end it here. Thanks for listening guys! You guys are awesome!

Sincerely,
CK Salma