CK'S JOURNAL

Sunday, 29 November 2020

TW: Okay, I'm not sure if this is needed but just in case. Cuz the topic is pretty serious again today. Also, I sound so dramatic in this entry. Please bear with me.

You have been warned!

~~

Hey guys!

Yeah, I just felt like writing again today. That's probably because I feel my depression starting to surface again. I just wanna make sure I don't think about it much.

You're probably thinking that's not how depression works. Well, if you know how it works exactly please do let me know.

The things is that even though sometimes I just really feel like I should just not exist, my rational head will stop me. I am depressed, anxious and suicidal. Yet, because of my rational mind, I always end up fighting back all the horrible thoughts in my head.

It's an actual internal battle with myself almost every day of my life.

Before you start worrying about my mental health, please don't. Just don't. I actually hate it when people start asking me questions like "Are you okay?" "Do you want to talk about it?"

If I am really not okay, I will say it. If I want to talk about my problems, I will talk about them. You don't need to ask me about it. I mean, I'm writing my problems down now. This is the same as me telling you my problems, talking about it.

Anyways, I'm writing this now because, well, *sigh*. Should I just say it? I have no idea who reads this. I should be a bit careful with what I say here.

*sigh*

Okay. You know when you make plans with someone you would always ask if they are free first. That's what I did. But, this person does not give me a straight answer. Saying things like they're not sure if they'll be free. Stuff like that.

Today is the day I wanted to meet with this person even if it was for just a while. I asked this person again if they were free. This person gives an excuse saying they planned to clean up the house a bit today.

I can see this person's status on Whatsapp. Guess what? They were free enough to go to a park. I really don't mind it.

But, why was it so damn hard to just say no? Why was it so damn hard to just say you had other plans? Why was it so damn hard? Why? Please, I'm begging you, tell me, why was it so damn hard to be straight with me?

I was ready to give an alternative plan if they were not going to be able to meet today. But, I never got a yes or no answer. So, that left me hoping they would make time to see me.

I so badly want to swear right now. But, my head is stopping me from doing it.

If you can't make the time, then just say it. Just tell me. Why is that so damn hard? If it's a no, just say no. Don't say maybe. Don't say we'll see if we can.

If you think I'm being dramatic, then think what you want. I really don't care.

The whole point of meeting today was because I wanted someone to talk to. I hate texting because you never get to see the other person's reaction. I like it better if we could talk in person.

It's like everyone forgot that I have depression and leaving me alone at home for so long is like the best thing for me.

The last time my depression hit me hard, I almost did take my life. And this was still recent. I know I said I'll be okay and I really will but please realize that my limit has gone down. I can't bear all the pain for too long anymore.

It's going to take a lot of time for me to gain back my previous limit on taking in pain. I've been keeping everything to myself for more than 10 years. Now I can't even control myself for  a month. I'm just constantly having breakdowns but no one will ever know about them because I don't want anyone to worry.

Before today came, I didn't even think I was going past my limit yet. So, I didn't want to care about that person's dodgy answers. But then, finding out they could have said yes to the plan, that broke me. I thought I could just ignore the pain.

But here I am.

Well, everyone around me just loves to prove how much my feelings don't matter. My depression isn't real. I will be okay no matter what.

Their problems are more important. They should get all the attention. They deserve it. They need it the most.

I acknowledge their depression and anxiety. Yes, the people I want to meet are also going through tough times too. But, the thing is, they have always had people caring about them. They get more love and support even if they thought those people were fake.

They have someone willing to listen to their problems. One of the people who always listens to their problems is me. Never once did I try to make their problems seem so small. Never once did I try to divert the attention to me who is also going through depression.

Just because I rarely talk about my problems doesn't mean I'm not going through anything. I just decided that I needed to help them more. So, I ignore everything I felt. All the pain, I just put them aside and put on an act. As if I'm okay and the ones who need the help the most is you people.

Everyone just assumes that I am okay. Even to this day, everyone still has a mindset that I will be okay.

Yes, that is true. But that doesn't mean I won't have breakdowns like I'm having now.

I'm sorry if I sound like a dramatic person but that's what I'm feeling right now and I wanted to write it down.

Like I said, this paper will take parts of the pain so I will only have to carry a little bit with me.

~~

Now, that I've calmed myself down a little bit, I feel kinda stupid for writing any of this at all. But, I will still keep it. I may not think the same way anymore later in life. I just want to be able to look back at this and see how my thought process develops throughout the years.

I'll try to find the old ones I wrote and maybe post a few here. You'll definitely see the similarities in writing style. I feel like that's the only thing that hasn't changed about me.

Anyways, let's try to end this with a happy thought.

To those reading this, what's the one thing you think about and it immediately makes you smile?

For me, at the moment, only just cuz he's too damn adorable, my nephew.

(Just writing that down made me smile 🥰🥰. I love this kid too much sometimes. 💕💕💕)

Again, thank you guys for listening to me rant. I don't know why you guys would still stay with me but I really appreciate it.

You guys are truly awesome!

Sincerely,
CK Salma