Picking up the pieces - a JeanKasa story

Chapter 11 - Can't Be Undone

Mikasa's pov

I gave up on finding Jean and figured I'd just find him after Tryouts. I climbed the stairs to the roof and opened the door.
There he was.

I walked across the roof, to the ledge and sat next to him,

"hey" I said, hugging my knees.

"Yo" he said "what're you doing here?"

"I was looking for you, but I gave up and came here instead." he nodded.

Jean's pov

We just sat in silence, then she broke it.

"actually, there was something something that's been bugging for some time now." she said. I knew this wasn't going to be a simple question with a simple answer so I checked the time to see how long until Tryouts. I had time to spare so I guess I could answer some of her questions.

"something about me?" she gave a subtle nod and looked down

"hmm" I sat up and looked into the sky, that changed my mind

"well what's up?" I knew I wasn't going to answer these questions but I could at least hear them out.

"The night in the woods what happened to you?" she asked me

"i cannot say. " I replied coldly. She nodded and moved onto the next question.

"Was it the same thing that happened at the infirmary?" I nodded. That I can answer

"It felt like it,but medically, I don't know " After a few more questions the tone of her voice sounded kind of annoyed or upset, this hurt. A lot.

But I knew I couldn't tell her the answer to any of her questions because I don't want to drag her down just to help me.

This world isn't fun to be in. I can't even bear with the fact that I brought Sasha and Connie into so the guilt would kill me if I brought in Mikasa. I had to play the part, even when I'm with her so I repeated 'I cannot say' 

"Jean, why aren't you answering the questions?" I almost said 'I cannot say as a reflex then

"what do you mean?"

"You haven't answered a single question." her face was covered by her hair "All you've said is 'I cannot say'." we both stood up and she carried on talking.

"why are you acting like I don't already see past your mask, like I haven't seen you breakdown, like I'm just a stranger to you!" she started to shout. She kept shouting at me but I wasn't listening "why do you keep shutting me out!" I snapped

"Because that's who I am right?" I yelled back "of course I shut people out, because I," I took a breath and raised my arms "I'm the Egotistical Bastard!" her facial expressions changed drastically at those words

"he told you" she whispered. I nooded

"yeah, he told me he told me everything, like how I'm a guy that doesn't do shit for others, the prick that gets all the girls, the guy that puts hoes before bros." I walked up to the ledge turned around and pointed at her.

"let me ask you something." we locked eyes

"before you met me did you know how many jobs I had?" she shook her head "did you know how the rent and bills for my house comes out of my pocket? Did he tell you that?" she shook her head.

"it looks like we misjudged each other" I walked towards the door.
"Jean wait! Let me explain!" she said. I turned around.

"I" I did want to hear her explain but I knew if I did I'd get dragged into my feelings again.

"I have to get to tryouts." I left the rooftop and stumbled my way to the changing rooms and then onto the field.

Mikasa's pov.       

I sat down on the bleachers and saw the boys warming up, more specifically I saw Jean, Eren and Connie warming up together acting like best friends. I got my phone out and called Annie. In the middle of the call I noticed Jean and Eren coming towards Sasha and Christa who were sat next to me. This would be the only chance I would get to speak to Eren so that I can speak to Jean after tryouts.

"hey um Eren can I um sp-speak to you real quick" he kissed Christa's on the cheek and we walked of to where nobody could hear us.
When we were far away enough the first I did was let the tears out.

"M-Mikasa?" he asked "Mikasa what's going on?" I turned around to face him.

"you told him!" he stepped with a shocked face

"Mikasa you're not making any sense" I gave him a stern look "Ahh you mean Jean."

"well no shit sherlock!" I wiped my tears and looked down "what else did you tell him?" I asked, he stepped closer

"what?" I looked up and straight into his eyes "what else did yo-" I was interrupted by the whistle and Eren

"That's the whistle, um I got to go but I'll be back to cheer you up later. Wish me luck!" with that he left and there I was. Alone

Whilst the boys were playing I was looking at Jean the whole time and when he'd look at me I wouldn't look away, I couldn't, I didn't want to but I guess he did. Even though I thought I was being discreet my staring at Jean didn't go unnoticed for some.

"Mikasa are you okay?" Christa asked, she put a hand on my shoulder but when she felt me jump she took it off immediately.

"Yeah I-I'm fine" both Sasha and Christa knew I wasn't fine but they also knew that pushing me to talk about it would make it it worse or so I thought.

"You're lying. You basically start glowing when he looks at you but then you're practically thrown into depression when he looks away!" I looked down

"I didn't know you noticed" when I spoke it was almost inaudible but I knew they could hear it.

"Things were said and things were done" I looked at the girls then I looked at the boys.

"I'm going to the skate park after this, I need to clear my head anyone wanna come with?" I picked myself up from the dumps I was in earlier and watched the tryouts continue.