Being Myself

My Mind

Little rant about the video. This is Happily from Midnight Memories. I really like this song. But the lyrics are...not my cup of tea. But I really love the acouatic version. That is WAY better than the studio version. The live version is also good. Hope you all enjoy!!

Zayn's POV:

Thoughts...they can prove to be a blessing or a curse. It all depends on your own mind. No, it is not in your control, it is in the control of your mind. Confused right? That's the thing. Sometimes we don't have control over our brain. We don't have control over our thoughts. There are many times when I want to think positive things, when I yearn to be positive, but the mess known as my mind doesn't allow me to think positively. Sometimes I yearn so much to lead a normal life. Just an ordinary life away from all these fake people, away from all this glam. From the perspective of an outsider, the life of a celebrity is very convenient and to some extent they may be true, but only we know the harsh realities of the industry. There is struggle, for existence,for survival. Sometimes I wish to be away from all this glam and glitz. If I were given an option between this lifestyle and that of my previous lifestyle I wouldn't hesitate to choose the second option. But then this is the lifestyle which is able to keep my parents and siblings comfortable, to be able to give them a comfortable life, a happy life. Maybe I wouldn't choose immediately, I don't really know.

There are so many times when I wish I was normal. Not my life, but me as an individual. I wish I could think like normal people. There are so many times when I yearn to be able to think like a normal person. I want to be normal and think positive things. Nowadays it's as though the only thing I am good at doing is to worry. I am tired, so tired. Why can't I be a normal person? Why couldn't I keep in pace with my lifestyle like the rest of the lads? They all are managing just fine,why couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I joke around like Louis or dance around on the stage like Harry or keep my shit together like Liam or even laugh around and not give a damn about anything like Niall? Why can't I just be a normal functioning human? Why does my life have to be so difficult? I am tired of all this. I have caused pain to so many people. Let it be the fans, the lads or my family. I just want to take their pain away. I just want to make them happy but the only thing I am doing is causing them pain. I don't do it intentionally but still it hurts. It hurts so badly. It has gotten to the extent of physical  pain. Whenever I think about them and their pain, I feel sharp pangs in my chest. There are times in the night when I cry so hard that I won't be able to breathe.

My mummy cries everyday because of me. She thinks I don't notice or that I don't notice but I do. Every morning her eyes will be sullen and slightly bloodshot indicating the fact that she had cried the night before. Safaa had grown up so early. At the age where she is supposed to be playing with her friends, she is googling about anxiety, giving words of courage to her broken brother and watching him in pain. She doesn't deserve this. None of them do. The age at which Doniya is supposed to be hanging out with her friends and boyfriend, she is busy taking care of her brother. But what hurts me most is the sight of my father. He tries to stay strong for the sake of my family. He says that he is not hurting but I know that he is. The day before, when he came to the park I had seen the pain in his eyes. The fear it held was unnerving. His usually smiling face was etched with worry and concern. He shouldn't go through this. I should be making my parents proud,but instead I am making them sad. Even when I came home, the raw pain in his eyes was a sight I never wish to see again. According to me, getting stabbed over a thousand times would be better than witnessing that sight. What have they done to deserve a son,a brother like me? Why am I doing this to them? They don't deserve this. They just don't!! Tears were streaming down my face without my notice. I quickly wiped them away, but more of them followed. This was a part of my routine. Crying myself to sleep and letting all those negative thoughts swirl through my mind had become a routine...one which I was tired of. Slowly I felt my eyes drift close and I fell into a deep sleep.

It was around four in the morning when I jolted awake. It was the same dream. The same accusations, the same insults, the only difference was that this time it was my family and the lads who were throwing them at me. My heart was pounding furiously and my breathes were coming harshly. I started counting and was trying to match my breathing with the counting but it was not working. Those thoughts had started to come back. It was my parents this time. They were ashamed of me. Then there were the lads, they were disgusted by me. They were all telling me what a coward I was for running away from my problems. Safaa was crying and screaming at me for being such a bad brother. Why do I have such a wild imagination? After trying to calm myself down and failing badly I realised that the matter was now out of my hands. I couldn't wake my family up. No I can't do that. And so I picked my phone up and dialled the number of that person. The one person I could always rely upon, who will always be there for me no matter what.

I hope you can bring me out of this reverie of mine. Please, please, I need your help.

(A/N) :Hey guys. So this is the fifth chapter. Zayn's mind is messed up, like really messed up. He blames himself for his parents and siblings' sadness. Do you think he is right or wrong? Let me know.

Don't be a silent reader. Vote and comment!!

Happy reading!!! :)