Being Myself

I Want to Write You a Song

Little rant about the video. So this is Happily Live version. I am soo in LOVE with this. It is honestly perfect. Except the lyrics. Hope you enjoy!!

Zayn's POV:

Hell. That's the only word I can use to describe the past month. Three days after the call between me and Harry, I had to release it to the press that I and the guys aren't on speaking terms and that I didn't want to be associated with them or anything related to them. But that was definitely not the case. I did wanted to be associated with them. For me, I was and will always be a member of One Direction. It will forever be a very integral part of my existence and there is no denying that. The internet took by a storm. People were furious at me and rightfully so. I don't blame the people. If I was in their place my reaction would be the same as well. Shortly after, I signed in with RCA,which was going to be my new management. Funny ain't it? I wanted to do nothing with Modest or Simon, and yet here I am. Why can't I just do what I want? When will I finally have the freedom that I strived to attain? Just when?

During this one month, I was not doing fine at all. And it is in the aspect of more than just the emotional level, it is on the mental level. I could feel it myself, my health was deteriorating. My thoughts were awry. My emotions were awry. But mostly I myself was awry. There are times when I lay in bed and think, where did the old, cheerful Zayn go? It's not that I expect him to come back. That is not possible. That Zayn is long gone and I have accepted that. But that's not the only thing on my mind. I have stepped onto the hate-stage. I hate every small thing which is associated with me. My thoughts, my emotions, news about myself, my success...in total: everything about me. But what I hate the most is my anxiety. I hate what it has made me. I hate what or rather who I have become because of it. In the starting I used to welcome all those thoughts into my mind without a second thought. But it is only now that I realised the mistake I made. Only now I realised I should have pushed them away. As I am thinking all this, I have this sudden urge to write something. Writing and penning down my feelings as poems and lyrics has definitely become my self-therapy. And so that is exactly what I do.

[(A/N): No the chapter is not yet over. I just want to say, this is my own song and the lyrics are also my own. Do not and I repeat DO NOT steal them unless you want to be sued for it. Thanks n go ahead.]

My eyes have gone dry,
No more tears left to cry.
My Mind is filled with fear,
The anxiety says, I'm here.

I am falling into an abyss,
Bring me out of this.
It is dark and so cold,
To face it, I am not so bold.

Thoughts that can't be put in a sentence,
Now ya know, my mind is very intense.
I wanna stop this existence,
Of life? More like of this pretense.

So,just hold me back.
So, just save me back.
So, just love me back.
So, just take me back...in time.

You misused it,
Threw it away like shit.
Which was once always lit,
Now, my heart can't handle it.

You loved it, you lived it.
You nourished it,you faked it.
You took it, you used it,
You threw it, you crushed it.

Show some mercy, it is my heart,
Show some love, don't tear it apart.
Show some mercy, don't make me give up,
Show some love, I am giving up.

So,just hold me back.
So,just save me back.
So,just love me back.
So,just take me back...in time.

Tears were freely flowing from my eyes by the time I finished writing it. This was not a song I was gonna share with the world because it was not just another song. This was not just another love song. This was not just another song about betrayal. No this was something deeper than any of those superficial things. This was a song which was personal to me. This was a song which I wrote for a part of myself. This was a song I wrote to explain my grief to That, which was relentlessly and mercilessly crushing me, stabbing me, wounding me and killing me. This was a song I wrote to plead for it to show mercy. This was a song I wrote to show that I am just another slave at its hands. This was a song I wrote to say that I want to break free from it's clutches. This was a song I wrote to express all the wrongs it did to me.

This is a song to my anxiety. Dear Anxiety, I want to write you a song.

(A/N) :Hey guys. So this is the seventh chapter. So, Zayn did say that One Direction will always be a part of him and that he has four brothers for life. Also, he signed in with RCA. Escaped from one hell only to enter another. Also, I am repeating this again, this is my own song so please do NOT copy it or use it without my permission.

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Happy reading!!! :)