Being Myself

Pain and Pressure

Little rant about the video. This is one of my favorite performances of SOML. Can we take a sec to appreciate how Harry performed even though he was sick. AlsI, Louis carrying the chorus. Then my favourite part is the bridge by Zayn. The conversion from his chest voice to his head voice was just WOW. So effortless. Also towards the end, in the high note part, you could clearly hear Harry and Zayn's voice. All in all this performance was perfect. Hope you all enjoy.

Zayn's POV:

These few months were harsh,but also refreshing. Harsh because the expectations were getting too much and because the hate, it was as well not increasing. Refreshing because finally I could make the type of music I wanted. I moved from my parent's house and bought my own house. The lads as well announced their hiatus plans to the world. They told the world and the response was not so good. Most of the hate was directed towards me. Most Directioners have this misinterpretation that the lads were on going on a break because of me. They said that it was because of me that they were breaking up. My leaving caused the hiatus, were the exact words. They said that none it was meant anything to me, else I wouldn't leave. They said that I never enjoyed my time in the band.

To say that their words didn't hurt me or affect me would be lying straightaway because that was not the truth. I was very much affected by their words. My family and even the lads told me not to let them get into my head. But how can I not, when that's the only thing I hear wherever I go, the only thing I read on any platform, the only thing I am tagged for. It didn't just hurt me, it tore me apart. I tried to not let it get to me. Trust me, I did. But it was hard not to. You need a heart of a stone to not let it get to you, and unfortunately I didn't have that. The words used were beyond harsh, but I had to get used to it I guess. I wouldn't bother about it much during the day, when I would be working. I would put my entire concentration into making the album and didn't want to leave any stone unturned, so didn't have any time to think about it. The night was when I would think about it. I would lay in bed and think. Thoughts would consume me whole. There would be times even now when I would cry myself to sleep. It's just that all this is getting too much. Usually I am not a person who cries a lot, but this was on another level. I knew that I would get hate for leaving the band, but never had I imagined that I would get hate because of the boys going on a hiatus.

Why is life so harsh on me? What have I done? Where did I go wrong? Is it too much to ask for happiness? Is it too much to ask for life? I want to live, and in more than just the literal meaning. I want to stay alive, feel alive. And that was something I couldn't do in the band. Did I not make any memories with the lads?  Do I not cherish the time I had in the band? Do I not love the lads to death? I do, I did. I made so many memories. Every single concert, every single concert, every single shoot, every single prank we pulled, every single flight trip, every single country we travelled, every single late night talks, every single interaction with the fans, every single pre-show routine... everything I did with the lads was something I cherished. I loved the lads to death and would do anything for them. They were one of the reasons I even stayed in the band for such a long time, the other being the fans. They were a part of myself, not just my life and I will cherish all those good times I had with them, till death does me and those memories apart. All those years I spent with the guys would definitely go down as the golden years of my life. Even when I was not myself, even when I AM not myself, they stayed with me. They did not run away from me as though I was a freak. And for that I am grateful.

The pressure I was experiencing is as well not helping my current situation. The expectations is very high. And the irony is that people don't expect me to do miracles, they have expectations from me to fail in my solo career. They don't want me to succeed, they want me to fail, so that their point will be proven: My decision of departure was my worst decision. I wanted to prove them all wrong and so I put my life and my entire focus into my debut album. It is coming out really good and I am really happy with it. The sound of the album is completely different from the previous albums that I have worked on. But with me working so hard, it seems that I am compromising with my health. My parents and even the lads tell me so. I don't understand why they thought so. I was eating on time and even everyday. I was taking care of myself. Sure I still had attacks but they were under control. And when they weren't under control I would call either Harry or Louis. Either of them would help me calm myself. It was mostly Harry though, as he knew exactly what to do in order to help me. That lad truly was my pillar. But I didn't understand as to why they were telling me that I was not taking care of myself.

Little did I know that they were not telling me about the physical aspect.

(A/N) :Hey guys. So this is the ninth chapter. Wow... Zayn truly is STRESSED. And knowing that people hated him in real life because of the boys' hiatus...that hurts. Writing this chapter was tough. Do you think the people were in fair to hate Zayn for the boys going on a hiatus? Let me know.

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Happy reading!!! :)