Amelioration || Choi Jiung

1

Day 1

For the first time in my life, I stayed still on the bed in silence for a few hours just to question my own existence.

The main reason is, earlier I had woken up to find myself in a completely unfamiliar environment, lying on the bed and unable to move. I couldn't check what date it is, nor remember when was the last time I went to sleep and for how long.

It took me some time to figure out that I was in the hospital. I actually couldn't see at all without my glasses, or is it the pain all over my body that made my vision blurry?

Many people entered and exited the room after I woke up, but I couldn't recognize any faces, which made me anxious. They kept asking me questions, but I couldn't get a single word out of my mouth.

And all of a sudden, I realized.

I'm still alive.

I'm not supposed to be.

I tried to commit suicide, but I survived.

Day 2

I guess it was quite late when I woke up yesterday. I'm not sure because I completely lost track of time. The nurses just told me to go back to sleep. But rather than falling asleep, I only remember myself passing out because of my headache.

By the time I woke up, it was already the next day. My family (which I fortunately still remember) came to visit me. I got my phone and my glasses back.

As I put my glasses on, my vision finally turned clear, and I could finally see my younger brother Jongseob standing beside my bed. The others were not here.

I wanted to sit up but I was too injured to do so. I didn't pay attention to what the doctor said but I think I broke quite a lot of bones, no wonder why I feel so much pain that I wished to be dead instead.

Despite the pain, I showed a little smile to the younger boy I don't know how long I haven't seen. It felt like a long time because we see each other every day.

"You must've been scared, huh?" I whispered.

Jongseob didn't reply and quickly walked out of the room after placing my phone beside me.

Was he mad at me for trying to leave? Or did he just feel like crying and didn't want me to see him?

In these few years, I haven't seen him cry even once. Maybe he did, but not in front of me, and most likely he didn't. Ever since that happened, it's pretty easy to tell what his coping mechanisms are.

After a while, my mom and auntie entered the room.

"Poor kid, your brother is crying really hard outside," auntie spoke. I could feel my heart ache a little.

She continued, "sorry, but I'll let Shota visit you another day. I told him to go home with Jongseob first."

They talked a lot with me, which I didn't pay attention to nor respond much to. I turned on my phone to see lots of unread messages. My head hurts at the thought of having to reply to all of them. If possible, I'll let Jongseob help me reply to them later on.

Even though it hurts, I was glad that I was able to hold up my phone, which meant that I didn't lose my arm or anything.

I remember auntie saying something to me about Shota, but I don't exactly remember the context. I only know that I owe him an apology.

Well, she didn't exactly ask me to apologize, but I could tell that she wants me to.

Day 3