Amelioration || Choi Jiung

5

I spend a lot of time by myself, like a lot.

Eating by myself, going shopping by myself, doing almost everything alone.

Back in middle school, I did this a lot only because I didn't care about what other people think. Making plans with other people is such a waste of time. Why bother them when I can do it by myself? It's quicker and more convenient anyways.

However, for a period of time, I thought that it was pathetic of me to do that, to be alone for most of the time. I didn't want to seem like a loner, so I kept being around my friends, wanting to hang out with them all the time.

It didn't change the fact that I'm always alone.

When I asked whether they're free, they're always not... more like, they rarely reply to me. It's always me adjusting my schedule for them rather than them joining mine. And when I'm with them... I still feel lonely. I don't know why though, maybe my personality is a problem.

So I just... gave up, but this time because of the way I felt less lonely being alone than when I'm with other people.

When I'm alone, there's no longer anyone who can ignore me. When I'm alone, there's finally a good reason why I feel lonely. When I'm alone, I no longer have to spend time with someone just to overthink whether they hate me or not at the end of the day.

However these feelings disappeared temporarily these days, especially after I started hanging out with Intak during summer. The hangout with Jiung and Keeho two days ago also felt nice.

And today, I went out by myself again.

I wish I could spend weekends with my friends hanging out (even though I should be studying), but making plans with other people is hard.

"Woah, wait a minute. What are you doing here?"

I turned around to see someone I know.

"Oh, hi Keeho," I greeted after taking off one side of my airpods.

"Hi," he smiled, "are you finding a place? You're on google maps."

I nodded, looking at the building I was standing in front of, "yeah. I think this is the place, though."

"Really? This place looks creepy." A scared look appeared on his face. "I live near this area but I've never went into this building."

"I don't know... I've never been here before," I shrugged, "I picked the wrong pickup point for delivery so this isn't my usual one."

Keeho fell silent, thinking.

"Well," I smiled, "it should be fine—"

"I'll come with you," he cut me off.

"What? No, it's okay."

"I don't want you to be in danger."

Aww, that's cute.

I took off my airpods and put them in my pocket. "Are you in a hurry?"

"Not at all!" Keeho exclaimed.

"Okay then, let's go."

The "trip" to the delivery company was not dangerous at all despite the lack of lighting and the creepy looking stairs.

We did see a cockroach on the way, but Keeho was way more terrified than I was. He screamed and I didn't.

"Phew, thank god this place is not as dangerous as it looks," Keeho sighed in relief as soon as we stepped out of the building.

"Yeah, not going to come here again though," I responded as I eagerly scratched on the tape of the box I got just now, wanting to open it.

He laughed a bit at my actions. "What did you buy?"