The State of Broken Things

You're Supposed To Look

You're Supposed To Look

When I became an upperclassman, everyone did their best to warn me that it was going to be difficult. No matter what I did, the transition would be rough, even more so because of the AP classes I decided to take.

I'll be honest. Initially, I thought that all of my parents and the adults in my life and the then-upperclassmen were exaggerating. They preach about sleepless nights and a heavy dependence on coffee, annoying teachers and the people who refuse to learn in anything remotely resembling a classroom setting. I didn't think it was possible. No way it would be that bad.

I was wrong. It was hard. Everything they told me turned out to be true. I thought junior year was bad, but we're a month and a half into my last year of high school and I think I'm dying. Senior year thus far has been quiet. Most of it was studying, college applications, college essays, more studying.

Instead of going out to do fun things, we spend most of our time at Adrian's or at my house, just studying and going over college stuff. It's exhausting, quite honestly. Now that we spend most of our time with the whole group, Adrian and I hardly get a moment alone. I love Addie, and Katrina is becoming a fast friend, but sometimes I just want a second with my boyfriend.

I think Addie can tell. Last week, we were all at Adrian's, and Lydia had left a few hours before. It had been a long day of college counseling and hard classes, and at least four tests between all of us. We were hungry and Adrian was too tired to cook, so Addie went to pick up takeout and dragged Katrina along with her. It's not like they don't like each other, but they're definitely not close enough to where she'd ask her to come just to hang. I need to buy a chocolate bar or a tub of ice cream for that girl. She's the best.

I was sitting up in his bed and he was laying on top of me, my arm around him. It was quiet. At least, for a little while.

I've picked up on his creepy habit of staring at me, catching myself watching him far more often that I thought. Mostly on accident. Sometimes not. He was gazing off toward the wall, his eyes flickering with emotion, his mind going a thousand miles a minute. You can see it in him if you try hard enough. The way he's never been able to shut his brain off.

"You're thinking very loudly," I said to him, tilting my head to examine him closer.

If I'm lucky, sometimes he'll let me in on those thousand mile a minute thought processes. The places his mind goes to are almost fascinating, if I'm being honest. He makes connections and attempts to understand things at a level I wasn't even aware existed before him.

The corner of his lip tilted up into a lopsided smile, and he sighed, tucking his chin onto my chest.

"Are you only applying to New York because that's where you thought I would apply to?" he asked, and my fingers pause where they're running through his hair.

My brow furrowed, and I shifted to where I'm propped up on my elbow so we can see each other better.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He struggled for his words. I kept quiet, trying to give him enough room and time to sort through whatever he was feeling.

"Addie said you didn't know where you wanted to go. Changed your mind a couple of times. You didn't choose NYU just because you knew that was where I would go, right?" he asked. "You like the school? It's not just for me?"

It took me a second, but I managed to reassure him that yes, NYU is my first choice and would have been regardless of him. My search in New York might have initially been because of him, but then I found NYU and I fell in love.