The State of Broken Things

This Circle of Idiots, Trust and Lies

Cassiel ~

    "I want to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to me, right over my heart, right where it aches the most. I don't know if doing that would heal me or make my heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over."

- Ally Condie

This Circle Of Idiots, Trust and Lies

    I've always liked Newton's first law.

    Relentless forward motion, no need to stay at rest. I always find myself going and going and going and going. I've gotten better at taking a few seconds to breathe every now and then, especially ever since Adrian and I started dating. Time with him was always breathing time, because calming him calmed me. I needed to be needed, and we were good.

    Despite that, I still always find myself doing things. Reading. Doing homework. I even started learning some Russian a few weeks ago, and I suck ass at it, but I still have a hard time simply doing nothing.

    Well. Had.

    These past few days, I've barely done anything. School. Barely. Didn't get any homework done this weekend. Addie drags me out of bed for meals, and then I go back up to my room before anyone can stop me.

    I've been in bed since dinner today. I don't even remember what I ate. At this point, I just want to go to sleep because the sooner I do, the sooner tomorrow might come and the sooner he might come back.

    Adrian wasn't in school on Thursday or Friday, and he also wasn't in class today. The teachers have stopped asking me where he was, and the whole school has been looking at me sideways, curious people asking tentative questions.

    People keep asking me if we've broken up, and at first, it was a resolute no. It was no, we're still together, we're just fighting. But then 24 hours went by, and it was a less firm no. Then 36 and then 48, and then it became I don't know.

    And I don't. I have no idea.

    Groaning, I roll over in bed, grabbing my water off of the table.

    Out of nowhere, the bell rings. The sound startles me, and for a few seconds I have no idea what that noise is because no one ever uses our doorbell.

    A dim spark of curiosity bubbles in my chest, but it goes away almost immediately. Because all I want is Adrian, and it's not going to be him.

    He left me. The one thing he promised me he'd never do again.

    Hurried, muffled voices come under my door. Addie's and someone else's. A deeper voice, definitely not another woman and I strain to hear a little harder, because if Addie is bringing over a new boyfriend and she didn't tell me then I'll have another thing to be mad about.

    "He's sleeping already?"

    "Yes."

    "But it's only 8."

    My eyes widen, because I know that voice. Rolling out of bed, I move closer to the voices, practically ear to the door.

    "Well, sue him. He's depressed right now because you left him with no contact for five days."

    "I didn't do it on purpose, Addie, I-"

    I push my door open, my wide eyes locking onto Adrian's.

    There's regret in his eyes, accompanied by pain and sorrow and complete and utter distress. Any and all anger I felt at him is gone. Not disappeared, but hidden behind my immediate need to help him.