The State of Broken Things

It's An Old Song

Cassiel ~

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."

- Joe Klaas

It's An Old Song

I've never been good at taking criticism.

It's not as though I don't ask for it, because I do. I force Adrian and Addie to read and reread my English papers, I go into office hours to make sure that all of my labs are written up correctly. I check and double check that whatever decision I'm making is the right one, which is why I suppose it's a little ironic that I always get personally offended when anyone tells me that what I'm doing is wrong.

Even though eventually, I cool down and I realize that it's probably fine that I messed up a little bit, it always sucks to hear that I messed up in the first place.

I get it. I mean, I realize that it's hypocritical to get upset with people for simply doing what I asked them to do in the first place.

And that was all he was doing.

Just talking to me, like I always ask him to.

"Fuck," I swear, hitting the steering wheel and very narrowly missing the horn.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling defensive, I hate being angry at him. I hate getting like this because I say stupid things, things I don't mean, and then crap like this happens.

"He's going to forgive you," Addie says from the passenger seat, and I can feel her mixed sympathy for me that she has to feel paired with her anger because of what I did.

The one time he ever hurt me, after I outed him to his dad, he tore himself up about it for days. Weeks. That broke him in ways I couldn't stand to see. As cliche as it is, it ended up hurting him way more than it ever hurt me.

So how could this happen? How could I hurt the man - the boy - who could never hurt me? Not if he could help it, not even if he wanted to.

"He was right," I say, distress leaking out through every pore in my body.

"Yeah, and you should have listened to him," Addie says, her anger winning out.

"I know that."

"You're an idiot."

"I know."

"Are you blind?" Addie asks. "Have you suddenly become an imbecile? How the hell can you sit there and tell me you didn't see this coming?"

"I didn't," I say. "I didn't think- I had no idea this would happen."

"All those times she was blatantly rude to him, right in front of your face and you just ignored it."

"I never should have left him," I say, rubbing my hands on my face. "Addie, he's never going to forgive me if I tell him."

"This is not an 'if' situation, Cas. You're telling him."

"I'm serious, Addie, I don't think I can."

"Hey," she snaps, and I look at her in surprise. "You do not get to feel sorry for yourself here, Cassie."

I bristle. "I didn't-"

"You're sitting here wallowing in misery for something that we both warned you to watch out for and you ignored it. That's on you."

I open my mouth to argue with her, but nothing comes out. Because she's right. They both are.

And his car is still here, so now I'm going to lose him.