The State of Broken Things

That Time I Forgot About Gravity

Adrian ~

"The first time I saw [him,] everything in my head went quiet."

- Neil Hilborn

That Time I Forgot About Gravity

Out of all of the typical 'relationship' things that I've learned about since I started dating Cas, I didn't expect to like holding hands as much as I do.

Of course, all of the other things are nice. Cas, and by extension, Addie. In general, having a best friend and consistent person. Little fleeting kisses on the forehead, or when he thinks he's being funny, on the tip of my nose. More intimate kisses. Going out on dates. Nap dates, along with other things.

But he holds my hand when we're in the car and I'm driving. Had to learn how to drive with just my left hand because of it, because there's no way I'm letting go first. When we're sitting at the lunch table, or across from each other on a date. When we're lying down together, he's still holding my hand. I love it. It's safety and love and happiness all in one. It's become a form of comfort for both of us, a consistency that sets off alarms when it's missing.

Cas is typically pretty good at judging whether or not I like what he's doing, no matter how hard I try to hide it. I mean, he knows. And I know, and he knows that I know he knows. He isn't fooled or fazed in the slightest by my complaints. He knows I like holding his hand, and that I like when he holds me in general, and that I fucking love those stupid kisses on the tip of my nose, so he ignores my protests and does as he pleases with me.

If there's one thing about us that hasn't changed, it's that. Cas has always been enthusiastically affectionate with his words. He's always waxing poetic about me in his head. And out loud, on occasion. Sometimes in writing, in ridiculously beautiful letters he actually mails to me, despite seeing me almost every day of the week. It's disgustingly romantic, and I'll never admit to loving it.

But Cas also really likes the physical stuff. He's always pulling me closer to him, kissing me randomly. Once I got used to it, I was surprised to discover how much I liked and still do like it, because then I get to be close to him. He likes it because it stakes his dumb claim on me or whatever, as if I would ever leave him. But it makes him happy, and that's all I really want.

When it comes to consistency, that's probably the only thing about us that hasn't changed. I'm not actually saying that's a bad thing. As things grow, they change and it wouldn't be good for us to stay where we were. Now I can talk to him a little easier, we're way more comfortable with each other. He hasn't run screaming, even after everything. He stuck with me through every breakdown, and every tear. It's good. Those are all good things.

This tension between us, that's not a good change. Thankfully, as winter break has come and almost gone, we've spent a lot of time together. Still maintaining our autonomy, but we were together a lot and things are back to normal. The tension has diffused some after my mini breakdown. He felt like I trusted him, and gave me more reason to trust him back. So we're okay. Everything with him is good, right? It has to be.

There are still moments with feelings I can't name, tears without any reason to cry them. An overwhelming feeling that maybe we won't make it. Maybe he can't handle it, because there's still me and my trauma and all of the mess inside my head. My inability to function. My fears that I won't be enough for him, and he'll find it in someone else.

Someone, in this case, being Katrina.

She still smiles at him and laughs at everything he says. They hang out. Most of the time, I'm there too, but sometimes she acts like I'm not. More than a few times, I've noticed Addie looking at her sideways, watching them a little too closely.