The Underground Kids

The End of What Couldve Been...

After School

Me and Jess are in the car driving over to Leroys. I noticed Jess was awfully quieter than usual.

"Heyy jess you okay? You a lot quieter than usual. I understand if you dont wanna take me to-"

"Im fine." she quietly interrupted.

She continued to drive while we rode in silence.
We pulled up to Leroys and saw his garage door was fully up. I could see him working on parts to a dusted up car.

    I got out the car and told Jess to wait here. I walked towards the garage while Leroy was bent over under the car hood. This took me back to the night of Lukes party when i formally met him. I walked up to him that night nervous as hell and didnt quite know what to say. Its crazy to know that those feelings havent changed.

"Hi." i said awkwardly.

He stops what he's doing to turn around.

"What are doing here?" He said unphased by my spontaneous visit.

"Well i came to check up on you. You didnt show up for school today so i just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I was worried about you."

I was fiddling with my fingers and my knees were locked. Even knowing what i know about him, i still get shy and nervous just talking to him.

"Yeah well you shouldn't. Im not somebody people usually 'worry' about " he said in an annoyed tone.

"You know i talked to Vinnie today. Told me some stuff. How come you never told me you were an underground kid?"

"Thats not the kinda thing you tell someone."

"Did you think i was gonna judge you? Cause i wasn't."

"Prep school girls like you dont just check up on washed up trash like me."

I started to take offense.

"Well im sorry for checking up on you. I just thought something was wrong. And like the good friend i am, i wanted to see for myself if you were okay."

"Yeah well who said we were friends?" He responded turning around to look at me.

    He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. That was the first time since last night's football game, he looked at me. It had felt like forever, i nearly forgot what his eyes looked like.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked.

He put both arms out ina confused sense.
"Doing what?"

"Deflecting. Everytime i get slightly close to you, you shut down. You shut down and push me away from you. "

"I don't know what your talking about."
He continued on with the car.

"Yes you do. You cant even look at me." i said stepping closer to him.

"You know since when did you ever care about me and what im going through?"

"Since i met you, jackass. How could you even ask me that? Everything ive done ive-"

"What have you done?! Tell me Jasmine, what have you done? What have you done that was genuinely for the sake of me? Open your lunch table to me? Sit next to me at a football game? Deny Lukes apology?" He said sarcasticly.

"Yeah Leroy i did! I denied Lukes sincere apology, for you. Everything I do is a result of how I feel for you!"

"Oh yeah cuz telling someone you dont forgive them is the biggest thing in the world."

"It is when you know that they meant it and still chose to take a chance on someone you've barely met!"

"Nobody told you to do that! Nobody told you to ditch him. Hell, nobody told you to pick me. If you think your making a mistake by choosing me over Luke, then just leave. Honestly go, he lives right there. Just go knock on the door and tell him how much you've missed him and that choosing me was the biggest mistake of your life. If you dont like what you see, who am i to stop you?"

   He was giving up. He was giving up before we even started. Even through this entire argument with him, hes still pushing me away.

"Why do you do that? Why do you drift away from me when things get too hard or too complicated?" I saild calmly.

"If you dont like it, then go" he muttered.

"Why do you keep pushing me away?!"

"Because i hate myself!!!" He yelled.

    His face was red hot and his eyes glossy. Almost like i was looking through a shot glass. Only this shot glass was broken. It had been dropped so many times that after awhile the cracks became pieces and no amount of heat or pressure could've fixed this.

"I hate who i am and i hate how im living! This fantasy you have of us being together is just that, a fantasy. You come into my life and look at me like some charity case, and i hate it. I hate that you look at me with pity. You wanna fix me up so that im bearable to be seen with. News flash, im broken! And no matter how many times you reassure me that its gonna be alright, i know in my head that it isn't. I've e been stuck in the mud forever. This life im living is quicksand. And the more i try to weasel my way out of it, the faster i sink. After a lifetime of struggling and fighting, you just stop resisting and let it take you down with it. You come to terms with the fact that this is your life and not some 2 story house on top of a hill. Down and dirty, in the mud, doing what you need to do to get by. I'm an underground kid and theres no escaping it."

"But it doesnt have to be that way Leroy, i can help you. I can help you get on your feet and help you do better for yourself. I know how Luke treated you after he made a life for himself, but im not like him Leroy. Im not gonna just give up on you because of our differences. Our differences is what we grow to learn and love about each other. Our different lifestyles is what attracted us to each other in the first place. See i knew what kind of guy you were from the beginning and I wanted to know more. I wanted to be a part of your life."

"Well thats just it Jas...Just because opposites attract, doesn't mean they connect."

   I was burnt out. He left me speechless with a broken heart. I didnt know what else to do. My eyes were bloodshot and glossy. I started to tear up. I wanted to cry but i tried with everything i could to not let them fall. This was it. This was the last of me and Leroy. Our last conversation. And we spent it in an argument. But it didnt matter. He couldnt picture a life with me because of his life, so why should i try to convince him to step into mine.

I got back in the car crying my eyes out. Jessica immediately got out of her funk to try and comfort me but i just told her to drive and not worry about me.

    I felt like an idiot. Maybe i was an idiot. Thinking that he actually cared about me. I mean if he didnt, why would he of did all the things he did, said all the things he said, if he didnt care about me. He hates himself. And quite frankly i do too. I hate how things went with him. But this situation made me realize that you cant help someone who doesnt wanna be helped. They have to want it for themselves, and want it bad enough to change. But its clear he doesn't. So why bother trying...