" Loving can hurt sometimes but it is the only thing that I know.. I loved him till death and will love him further."
I knew a boy. Cute and funny. Would laugh at my jokes, smiled at me without reason, looked at me with passion in his bold eyes. Cheered me up when I was sad. I felt so happy when I was around him, was so cherished and delighted. He was so different from the other boys. The boxy smile that he had on his face was bright as sun. His eyes spoke before him. Whenever I am around I feel that I am without worries and in eternal peace. I feel crazy when he is not there and at the same time my heart beats very fast in his presence. I tell to stop— I beg my heart to stop this nuisance but it disobeys at times.
Its painful and complicated when he is not there. His absence makes me look isolated in an island and inviolated. I am me when I am with him. Don't you find it stupid? Don't you find it troublesome? I know you are thinking I am a complete mess. Yes I am. So I am. I am caged with my feelings. I feel suffocated of not sharing to anyone. I feel miserably alone to be alone in this world of emotions. Can anyone hear me out please? Sometimes I feel to tear up but at times I like to keep it to myself and sense those emotions.
I scroll through his pictures in my Insta and without thinking twice double tap on it. I write comments for each and every post of his. But why do I do that? What is it that I am feeling? Oh! It is love! It has to be true love! The attraction towards him makes me glee. I smile slyly when anyone praises him. I draw red hearts in my notebook and inscribe the first letter of his name in all my hearts. Am I committed to him? O! No! I am thinking too much. Stop! Stop! I keep telling this to my brain but my heart overpowers always. Why am I so impatient?
And this grew more after an incident. Let me tell you. It started with a charming evening. I went to tuitions as expected and classes were very boring. I kept on dreaming – a world where we are only present. A world of no worries and only of our choices. It will be filled with fragrance, love, devotion and commitment. We would dance barefoot in wet grass on our favourite song. Oh! Ho! The best moment of my life! But suddenly I felt someone taking my hand alowly and pulled it harder with a jerk closer to the body. My eyes were still closed. I could smell the fragrance of " my boys hair". I blinked. I was on cloud fifty- three at the time I opened my eyes. He was standing with a wide smile. That boy was standing g in front of me separated by an inch. I blushed – I blushed harder than ever in my life. I turned purple as I looked with great passion into his eyes. They were so alluring. His lips were pink, slim and widely gleaming. I gazed harder as I looked more into him. But was interrupted by a ckick. I came into the real world and realised the was " Just a freind" and I was " his freind too." But definately my heart was annoyed with my thought and my brain was as usual happy. I said still blushing," What happened?" He put his finger on my mouth intended to stop me and said, " Don't speak much, just listen to me. We are alone and I don't want anyone to know our existence." I looked around for the first time since I came here. None was there, it was dark, empty chairs laid– that means it was 6 pm– the tuition had already ended. OMG! I have to reach home to feed tommy ( my dog). But this moment was far more valuable and exciting to me. Ha again spoke, " So here we are all alone. I have a motif. I have a plan for a prank and want you to help me." I was at the urge of falling down, so many thoughts came to my mind before spoke but all of them were insulted and sent deep within after he spoke. Finding myself lost in words I said," Definitely I"ll help you. Where shall we meet to discuss our plan?". He spoke, " Maybe in a park. " I nodded and meant yes. I regained hope. My thoughts came buffering again. But still he didn't leave my hand. I noticed that my hands were wet with sweat( due to tension). He freed my hand and rubbed it on his shirt and held back again. My heart was pounding fastest ever a d my eyes popped out. He walked me back home. Next few days of my life were gems pierced in my heart with huge passion. We planned so many things. His smile seemed more dazzling, his eyes seemed like moon, and everything in my life was so fragrantic and flowery. The only habbit which I disliked the most was smoking ciggarates. I kept on telling him to leave but neither did he leave nor listened to me. Just smiled.
Obviously I was planning with the best mischeifmaker in the world, the prank definitely went excitingly nice . It was the best subtle plan ever cracked by the students of Eagles. Each and everyone was laughing hard. But suddenly I heard a knowing cough. I turned on my heels and saw that he was coughing vigourously without a stop. I grew very tensed and ran towards him, patted on his back, tried to comfort him. It finally seized. He drank water and sighed. On the contrary I grew very angry. Blood was drippling from his nose. Frazzled out. I totaly freaked out when I saw him sick. Immediately he was admitted to hospital without wasting a minute. I was crying like bloody hell. My heart soaked with tears and grief. It seemed anyone pierced an arrow in my heart. The deadly looking bleeding didn't stop. As soon as we reached the city hospital, held was taken to CCU. I felt miserably dejected after seeing him lying unconcious drenched in blood. Later his parents were notified. The next 1 hour was the most crucial one for both of us. The red light dozed off... and I ran towards the doctor. Only one word was expected –"sucessful". God listened to my prayer. Fate favoured my luck. He had survived but needed to be kept in observation for few hours. The bloodshot eyes of his parents weakened me. They walked towards the doctor. I was anxious about what would the doctor say. Suddenly his mother sat with a tug. I jumped on my feet no sooner than I saw his mother' s queerly act. Taking slow and heavy steps I walked to the doctor. I asked," What———" Lost in words I couldn't speak more. He said, " Cancer—4th stage—maybe alive for a week—very critical condition—" Just these phrases were enough for me to die in that moment. Mislaid in words , saturated with tears I thought to scratch my fate but couldn't. I was ruined. Without a second thought I just walked, walked harder and hardest till my knee ached. I didn't know where was I going and what was I up to? But I kept walking taking slow and heavy steps.I could only see black and grey scenery. Everyone looked so unwanted.Sniffling I sat on that very bench I sat with him few days ago. I started recovering those things I shared with him, those special moments we had.O! No! Its so suffocating. I failed. I was a failed girl. He is on his death bed and I am a complete mess who doesn't know what to do. I was bulging hot and red in anger. Constantly I asked a question, "Why was I born when I couldn't spent time with my love and experience this beautiful thing. I don't deserve it at all. So I just focused. Listened to my heart leaving my damn brain alone.
I stood up with hope and a ray of courage in myself. Wiped away my tears and headed towards the hospital. I knew that I loved him truly and had to make his last best days of HIS life. However I was not feeling well. My left hand was shaking and I was sweating very much. Never mind. My health was not important. I grew desperate more and more to reach him. No sooner than I reached the hospital and hurried towards his bed. I —felt—so—dizzy. My —eyes—were—shutting down. I smiled at my prince with a lot of effort. He was crowded by so many people. Darn it!! I was not able to speak to him for the crowd.
——————————.....(blank). I realised that I was laid in a bed just beside him. Oxygen cylinders were put behind my bed. Ouch!!The passage of saline hurt my palm. I even heard people saying that I blacked out.
He was still looking at me. And I was too.😁 But however I found the pulse meter very interesting. It was slow and almost straight. Both the meter (of him and myself) had a similar cute heart. I started remembering those days when we spent time and laughed together. When we shared our heartbroken thoughts but consoled each other on behalf.
Suddenly it just clicked. I forgot to check the pulse meter. We both had a straight line on it.
P.S — Still I didn't confess about my love. Now as we are together I have enough time to say it gradually. Oops! It's quite late. I have to go. He is waiting at the coffee table for me.
—Avipsha.
