- I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer - not a very popular one,
I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.
They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...
And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me -
The rushing noises of the waves was a cycle that never once did it cease. Not for a second. She gawked with a blank expression out into nothing as she placed a cigarette in between her fruit punch chap-stick lips. Taking a long drag, she breathed out the invisible swirls of smoke that enveloped her in the complete darkness that was present. A waning moon, glowing above her, watched her patiently as she sat on the massive boulders by the bay. The collision of the bickering waves against the rocks were boisterous and rough. The salty winds had no mercy that night, and her hair was a craze in all directions. The salty water would splash against her worn out, hand-me-down jeans. She didn't take notice of her wet jeans, or the icy winds against her pale skin. Her mind was elsewhere, in a far away dimension. The young woman, with translucent skin and dark circles around her hazel eyes, took no importance of her environment. It was some late hour after midnight; the sky was a rich blue velvet, some stars dully shined like diamonds against the emptiness of the skies. Vast and equally as dark and mysterious, the ocean merged in with the sky at some point, no horizon was to be distinguished.
She sat placidly and introspectively pondered about what a good life ought to be like. There was not a soul for miles. Why would such a lovely young lady be out at these wee hours so alone and so very sad? The girl wondered about people. She knew she would never truly understand anyone, yet it was much better than attempting to comprehend herself. She sat on the boulders contemplating a life that she could not have. Memories of simpler times flooded her mind, she blinked away tears. Lost and abandoned was all she was. The past was a painful thing to recall, indeed, but what the hell was she going to look into the future for?
Through cracked lips she spoke out to the moon, "I've had enough of your midnight secrets." The moon radiated brighter, whiter light and the wind ceased for only a matter of seconds. The constant rhythm of the waves seemed to change. It was as if the moon answered back to the distressed being over the rocks.
"Do not give thought to jumping into the mysteries of the raging waves. The last few years have been some awful dream... but I'm afraid to wake you."
Her skin glowed like a new moon. She had stardust in her veins and galaxies in her eyes. She was a walking storm, she was a melancholic story told twice over, and she was beautiful. She broke her gaze-less blank look from nothing, her mind distracted. Silently collecting her self and wiping her eyes with the sleeves of her favorite sweater, she got up, teetering, and made her way back up to the streets of Jersey, opportunity on her way.
...
The feeling when I woke up in the morning, and he wasn't asleep in the bed next to me was awfully terrible. It felt like when I was a kid playing around, and we would leave pennies on the train tracks overnight. By the time we rose in the morning again, they were flattened completely, unrecognizable. Except this time, I was the penny, and he was the train that left me trembling in its wake.
I could not remember a single thing. I did recall an odd dream; I was sweating, anxious, and restless. All I had in my mind was Gerard back in other times, and how he would call me deadly nightshade- a flower of vibrant violet and yellow hues, although ever so poisonous. He would beat me up with no sense of hesitation, and it'd feel like a kiss. He told me that true love pushed him to bruise up my pretty angel face. Gerard would say the such warmly enough, delivered those sweet nothings with a smile that matched the emotions in his mesmerizing hazel eyes.So why did it send a chill up my spine now? Was it because I no longer addicted to the pain he inflicted onto me?
Everything felt quite odd. Gerard was not being his usual self as of lately. He did not yell as much, and for once, the lavender bruises by my sides were clearing up. He spoke more poetically and somewhat admired whatever grace there was within me. We had become more distant, however. He was never next to me in bed as dawn made its way. I realized that I was avoiding him. I didn't take notice, but now come think of it, I was scared. A tiny voice in my head said, " Out of all your mistakes, breaking him as you are doing in recent times, has been by far the worst. There is nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing left to lose."
I shut my eyes, tired of feeling like I was fucking crazy.
...
[credits to Lana Del Rey for the little intro to this chapter, it's lyrics from the song Ride]
