ricky and nini's realizations

chapter 72

nini's pov

i fell asleep accidentally taking a lengthy nap hearing my phone ring. i sit up slightly to look around me trying to spot my phone. i follow the sound to under one of my pillows. i pick it up half way through the ring and it's ricky. i don't want to answer it. i don't have it in me to talk to him. it'll just hurt more hearing that voice i know all too well. ignoring him is my only way of coping even though i haven't really done a whole lot of it. i'm not okay and i know it. but i'll only feel worse seeing and hearing him again. to put it simply, it hurts too much. and i watch the call end as the ringing stops and his name leaves my screen. a sense of relief floods me, but then i start to wonder why he was calling. what if something was wrong? is he okay? does he need help? is it his mom? no. no nini. it's not your concern anymore. i shake my head when my eyes start to water. i blink back my emotion and lay back down. i turn on one of my favorite playlists on itunes and just lay there letting the music replace any room there is for thought. then my phone pings. i slide open my notification reading that i have a text from ricky. he hasn't texted me one time. why now? i read his text in a rushed manner as my eyes hurry to capture every word. the tears i pushed down seconds ago come flooding back and i can't control it. he misses me is what gets stuck in my brain out of all the words displayed on my screen. i reread it and reread it again. the text burns my heart and i don't know what to do. i put my phone down not allowing myself to take any action on his text yet and drown out my thoughts blasting the music throughout my bedroom as i lay blankly staring at my ceiling with tears periodically falling when they want to. after a solid hour in this position, i have the crazy idea that i might just call him. i can't see his face yet. it's far too painful and i cringe every time that night makes itself known in my memories. i grab my phone with the intention of hitting that call button. will i regret calling? what if this turns into a disaster? i shouldn't do this. i have nothing to say, but he does. i roll onto my side holding the phone to my ear. i click on his contact and immediately hear it start to ring. oh my gosh what am i doing! i start crying from fear before his phone has even had time to start ringing on the other end. fear that he'll answer and fear that he won't. it doesn't ring for long when i hear, "baby?" i didn't expect that and my heart sure didn't either. i use my other hand to cover my mouth trying to suppress any sound that might slip out as my tears fall faster. "please tell me you're really there nins," he tenderly speaks into the phone as if there's a possibility that i butt dialed him. i think for a second about my response. should i really go through with this phone call? but my mouth opens before i have a chance to control myself. "i'm here," i quietly get out in the most pitiful voice. "i miss you. so bad," he upholds his caring tone. "i miss you too," i say my voice breaking and i squeeze my eyelids as tight as i can together not believing that he just heard me cry. "nini," he coos my name making my heart feel less heavy, "everything's going to be okay. i can come over and we can talk. or i could-," i cut him off because i find a random burst of strength to talk despite my voice remaining sad and broken, "this hurts so bad ricky. it hurts too much," i say audibly crying with a whimper at the end of my sentence, "i can't do this-," "hey," he cuts me off right back with urgency, "no. no," he firmly tells me, "don't say that. we'll get through this nins. i can fix this," he says desperately only making this harder. "how?" i say completely lost of any strength i had. he mumbles incoherent words then i clearly hear, "i-i'm not sure yet. i will though. we're gonna be okay," he says all of this as if he's trying to convince himself of that. if he would just say the one thing i need to hear. "bye ricky," i say choking back a sob long enough to click the red button that cuts off all communication between us. he began talking, but i didn't catch any of it before i click that button signaling a beep. i let go of my phone letting it slide off my ear. i fold myself into my pillow sobbing so loudly. i begin losing some air from crying so so hard. i cough periodically through my sobs. i can physically feel my heart shattering and i need this pain to end. i can't bare how much my sadness is consuming me. my phone starts ringing again and i just know that it has to be him, so i hiccup more tears. i want so badly to answer it, but there's nothing he can do to fix this. or at least nothing he's willing to do because he could have by now. and i'm just gonna have to accept that i fell inlove with somebody who doesn't love me.   at the end of the ringing, my phone gets the voicemail notification. i'm so stupid. i know i can't handle anything else, but i pick up my phone hitting okay anyway. i dont know why i keep think that maybe. just maybe! he'll say what i need, but i'm wrong every time. "nini!," he says worriedly and spits my name out fast, "call me now. please. please baby call me back. or let me come over. or do something. you don't get to tell me bye. we're not done. fuck! nini just call me," he sounds in a panic, but brings himself back to his tender, worried side i resonate with, "nini. you're everything to me. don't ignore me anymore baby. i need you. we're gonna get past this. talk to me when you're ready, but we're not saying goodbye," and then it ends. i don't know what to do with that. how can we get past this? he doesn't freaking feel the same as i do. there's nothing else to do with that. i don't want to ignore him, but it's all i can do. how is any of this even real right now. i turn my phone off and fall into an exhausted sleep from my body trying to compensate my extreme emotions.  i wake up sunday morning to the previous night's event running on a loop in my brain feeling the burn in my eyes as a physical reminder. i drag myself to my bathroom. i do my business and when i stand in front of the mirror to wash my hands, i see the effects of ricky. my eyes are bloodshot, my face is slightly pale from the physical sickness of heartbreak, and my hair looks unkept. i brush my teeth and wash my face trying to keep up with my dignity. i go downstairs seeing momma d at the table working on some paperwork and momma c cooking up a small breakfast. "hey honey!" dana greets chirpy. "hi mom," my voice comes out super dry. momma c looks over to me alarmed by my voice. "you feeling okay honey?" she checks while plating food. "i'm fine," i say sitting down next to momma d. dana looks to me analyzing my appearance, "you don't look fine," while putting her hand to my forehead. momma c puts a plate in front of me while also bring over theirs too. "she doesn't feel warm," dana says to carol. "you sure you feel alright? you're really pale." i nod my head tiredly, "just a little nauseous and tired," i confess. it's not a lie, but it's also not in the way my moms will take it. "why don't you go back to bed then. you can take your plate with you hon," momma c tells me and i'm so appreciative of it. i pick up my plate and get halfway across the kitchen when she speaks up, "oh!," she says capturing my attention as she walk to the living room's coffee table, "ricky came by early this morning," she says while shuffling through something. "what?" i say in disbelief in a harsh tone, but they didn't seem to notice. "he dropped this off. i told him you were still asleep still. he didn't look like he felt too good either. i wonder if you guys gave each other a bug.". little did she know. "must have,"
i mumble. she turns around with the sweetest bouquet of pastel colored flowers. i confusedly hold my hand out to accept them. i go up to my room with my breakfast in one hand and a bouquet of flowers that i'm unsure about. i sit down on my messily made bed with my plate of food in front of me and pull the flowers into my lap seeing that there's a small white card in them. i reach my hand in to pull out the piece of paper, "i figured giving these to your moms was my best bet at getting them to you. -i miss you nins." i seriously don't get what he thought some flowers were going to do. yes, they're lovely and the thought of him going out to get these so early in the morning is admirable. but these can't magically do anything for our relationship either. all he can say is that he misses me. i miss you doesn't transfer to i love you. i put the pretty flowers on top of my dresser and return to my bed to eat my breakfast. i moped in the silence of my room eyeing the flowers over and over again as i took bites of food. once done, i turned my phone back on upon returning back to my room after putting my dishes in the kitchen sink. i see a single text from none other than ricky, "good morning. i hope you have a good day." i sigh clicking my phone off.

a sad chapter for y'all :/