Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Fourteen

On Thursday morning I opened the flat door and shut it behind me before I could ran back and abort the mission. I didn't really care about school, but I didn't want to cause any more problems to Kuisma. He had been so nice to me, and I repaid it by being a pain in the ass.

I was so nervous I was feeling sick in the stomach. My hands were shaking and my feet felt like they had turned to spaghetti, when I descended to the classroom by the creaky stairs. I had to face Joakim and pretend nothing had happened.

I noticed him and the others at the back row and turned my gaze away quickly. I sat in the front row as far from them as possible. I had decided I wasn't going to look like a beaten-up puppy, so I kept my back straight and chin up.

I talked with the teacher after the class and she told me I had to be at the morning lectures, but I didn't have to worry about the practical part until my hand was healed. She gave me a thick tome about art history in Europe and told me I should read as much as I could during the upcoming evening classes. When I told her I might need another book soon, she laughed in delight.

Instead of going to the cafeteria on lunch break, I found myself a quiet corner from the corridor and started reading. After the lunch break I just returned back to the classroom and continued reading while the others started painting.

I kept my distance from everyone, but I couldn't help noticing the glances Fareed and Viljo were giving to me. When I met their stares, they quickly looked away. I avoided looking at Joakim, because every time I did, the memories came rushing in.

Not just what happened, but all the things he had said and lied about. I wasn't ready to face those things yet, because I was having a hard time to keep up even the current state I was in. All I could do was to try not to fall apart. It was much easier to escape the reality by reading, and it got me thought the school day.

The rest of the week and the beginning of a new week went well all things considered. I had a substitution at the refresher course on Monday, and that worked out nicely as well. The students, who were only five years younger than me, found it hard to believe I could be their teacher. It didn't help that most of them seemed reluctant to be there in the first place. Not that I would have stayed there on Monday evening either, if I wasn't paid from it.

School was okay as long as I merely focused on the teaching. It seemed like things between me and Kuisma were back to normal, except we weren't fighting like we used to. He gave me space and didn't watch my every move, although he spent more time at the flat than before.

The only people I talked with were Kuisma and a couple of teachers. I didn't have the mental capacity to talk with Copa or Paju, and mostly I just wanted to be on my own.

Everything was well all things considered until Wednesday noon. I went to the morning class just like I always did and stayed in my corner reading. I was already on my second book, which I got from the teacher, who was surprised I had actually meant it when I said I'd need another book soon.

I was on my way back to the flat, when Joakim suddenly decided I wasn't invisible to him anymore.

"Hey, wait up!" he called out and grabbed my wrist, so that I couldn't run away.

For a second or two I froze and just stared into his eyes blankly. Then I yanked my hand free and hissed: "I told you to leave me alone."

"Can't we just forget anything happened? It doesn't have to be a big deal unless you make it that way." He persuaded, his voice as sweet as ever.

"Just leave me the fuck alone." I was surprised how steadily the words came out of my mouth.

"Oh come on, I.." I didn't stay to listen what he said, because there was nothing he could say that would make a difference. He could tell me I was overreacting or he could say he was sorry, but what would that change?