Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Sixteen

The past weeks had been peaceful for me. Joakim had given up his attempts to talk to me and I was getting along with Kuisma. The colder and the darker the days got, the more I valued the time I get to spend in our flat. There was nothing going on in my life, but school, filling in at the refresher course, watching movies and hanging out with Kuisma.

I had gotten rid of the cast about a week earlier, but my middle finger was stiff and there were still things I couldn't do well. Such as writing and painting. I hadn't gotten back to the library yet, and it was both relieving and stressful. I was too exhausted to manage the substitution, working in the library and studying, but I was struggling with money. Big time.

If I told you I was healing from the other thing as well, it wouldn't be entirely true. I was present most of the classes, I didn't startle every time I saw Joakim and I could laugh when I was with Kuisma. I wanted Kuisma to see all those things and the progress I was making.

What I didn't want him to see was the continuous torrent of unwanted memories or the nights when I had to go through those memories over and over again. I didn't want him to notice I wasn't keeping contact with my other friends or that I didn't talk with anyone at school. More than anything I hoped he wouldn't have to worry about the growing weariness I was feeling.

But in the middle of all that, I was feeling like I was doing well. My life was bearable and good enough for me, which was mostly thanks to Kuisma. It was priceless to have a friend like him, and I didn't even want to think what my life would be like without him.

"I promised to spend the winter break at my parents", Kuisma told me one evening, after he had taken a shower and changed his workout clothes to sweatpants and a hoodie.

"Oh, you won't be here?" I asked, trying to sound casual. I had just finished another book and sat cross-legged on my bed.

"I won't, and you shouldn't stay here either. Go see your friends, have some fun and try to forget all the shit that's been going on here."

I didn't feel like seeing anyone, to be honest, and I certainly didn't feel like leaving the flat for a week. What I wanted was to stay in bed, read and do nothing that involved socialising.

"I don't want to see anyone."

"Yeah, but you need to go out and see people at some point, so why not now?" Kuisma insisted. And he kept insisting until I got tired of hearing about it and  called Copa.

***

I sat on the bus, a backpack on a seat next to me, and listened to music from ear buds. It was Sunday, but the next week was a holiday week, so there were quite many people in the bus. I was still fortunate enough to have the seat next to me for my belongings.

Kuisma had left to see his parents at the same time and we had waited at the bus stop together. The moment I got in the bus, I felt deserted like something crucial was missing, and of course there was. I couldn't remember the last time we had spent even a day apart.

Kuisma had been my comfort during the darkness I had been through, but I knew he was right about seeing other people as well. I couldn't help but feel that it was a relief for Kuisma to get some time off from babysitting me.

I still doubted if it was a good idea to spend an entire week at Copa's. I had a feeling I wouldn't be fun to be around with and I didn't want him to see how unwell I was. I was getting better, so it was pointless to worry him. Although I'm pretty sure he's always more or less worried about me, because that's just how he is.

I enjoyed bus rides if I was able to listen to music and do nothing but stare at the window, but I didn't like running to the train or any of that hassle travelling by public transport included. Luckily I made it to the train on time and then I had another hour to catch my breath.

Copa was waiting for me at the train station and he rushed to hug me as soon as I walked out of the train, not caring about the disapproving looks some of the passengers gave us.

"Let me take a look at you." A line appeared between his brows when he scanned me from head to toe. "You've lost weight, have you been eating?"

After that followed a long harangue about the dark circles under my eyes, how I needed more sleep and about a million other things too.

Copa gave me his room, which meant he would have to sleep on the couch for an entire week. I told him I didn't want to cause trouble, and Copa only said that I never did. Although I felt guilty for taking his room, I was more than happy to have a place to go if I started feeling overwhelmed.

Then Copa made us coffee and we sat on the couch. I really didn't feel like talking and on top of that the travelling had worn me out. I guess Copa could read that from my face even if I didn't say it out loud, and decided not to grill me right away. Instead we watched TV.

Before I fell asleep that night, in Copa's room, I still wondered if coming there was a good idea. I felt like I needed to avoid everyone I cared about, because I didn't want to bring them down with me.

***

"Morning. Did you sleep well?" Copa questioned when I walked into the kitchen, still half-asleep. I just mumbled gibberish and rubbed my eyes.

"Just so that you know, I'm going to make sure you eat everything I cook for you. To the last crumb." He vowed next, and I had a feeling he was only getting started.

He did have a point though. My jeans had started to bag and I had kind of forgotten to eat in the middle of everything that had been going on. It certainly didn't help that my appetite was nonexistent. Kuisma had gotten into a habit of cooking and ordering food for me as well, but that was pretty much it.

When Copa set a plate full of food in front of me, I picked a fork and started eating. I was determined to show him that he was worrying about my eating habits for no reason. I couldn't finish it all, but at least I tried. After that we just sat in the kitchen drinking too many cups of coffee.

"So, how have you been?" Copa asked.

"I don't know, okay, I guess." I gave him a small smile.

"How are things with Joakim and Kuisma?" Copa continued.

"Joakim is no longer a thing and Kuisma is no longer an issue", I shrugged, hoping he wouldn't keep pressuring about it.

"You broke up with Joakim?" I think I could see a hint of hurt in Copa's eyes for finding out about it only then.

"Well, weren't really together, so no", I fenced, looking down.

"Okay. And Kuisma?" Copa changed the subject, probably guessing I didn't want to talk about Joakim.

"He's like a different person." The corners of my mouth curved up into a fond smile.

"Oh, so he's a friend or..?" Copa wiggled his eyebrows.

"A friend", I confirmed quickly.

"You sure?" he asked and narrowed his eyes mistrustingly.

"He's not into me and actually I don't think he's into guys at all", I told Copa.

"So you've been thinking about this?" He started grinning.

"Oh come on, it would never work and he's really just a friend to me", I objected and then added more quietly: "And I don't even want to date anyone right now."

That was true, after Joakim I just didn't feel like I had it in me to go through all that trouble again. Maybe in like five years or so, but definitely not now.

"Sure, I get it. Anyway, tell me more about him", Copa requested and inched toward me on his seat, like he would somehow hear me better that way.  I did like he asked, and speaking about Kuisma turned out to be something that made me feel better and smile a little wider.