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conflicted

dream waited for days, nothing had come. he wondered if he'd been too bold, or if he'd made the male uncomfortable. guilt gnawed at his mind, he probably had screwed up everything.

he was okay with it, he knew he did wrong by sending such a flirty and suggestive letter without thinking of the consequences. he let himself go too far, but in the very back of his mind, he liked writing it. in the back of his mind, he felt like he held power over shy george.

but why did he feel this way? he'd never felt this way with anyone, not a single man or woman. he laid in bed, staring at the photo of george. he looked at it with love in his eyes, he didn't even notice. 

he found himself getting consumed with thoughts upon thoughts of george. he didn't even realize, a dumb smile spread across his face each time. he imagined scenarios where he was with george, doing a variety of activities. the one he thought about the most was walking with george during the cold weather in the uk, that seemed the most realistic to him.

dream seemed to think about a boy who he'd never met, he'd never even verbally talked to, he wasn't even sure how it happened. "does this happen to a lot of people? this happened awfully fast, i'm scared for myself. jesus take the wheel."

you see, he was never the type to fall for someone that easily. it'd always take him a while before he even realize he might have feelings, so this was very new to him. he'd been introduced to new feelings, new thoughts. he was scared that he didn't actually like this guy, he'd just been loving the attention a boy from the uk gave him.

he wasn't sure what to feel, but he wanted george by his side to help him figure out what he was doing. maybe it was the flirty jokes that did this to him. maybe the jokes turned into reality, he shouldn't have been so stupid. 

he heard that if you joke about something too much, you end up liking what you joke about. dream didn't think that was an actual thing that happened, but it seems he found out the hard way. he was doomed, he did it to himself. 

dream was conflicted, he had no idea what to do with these growing feelings. he was still so confused as to how he could fall for someone so quickly. it just didn't make any sense, he almost didn't want to believe it.

his heart knew what it wanted, but his mind was telling him something else. he didn't know what he wanted to do, should he listen to his passionate emotions? should he keep them bottled up and forget about them entirely? it was all too much for dream.

this would've never happened if he'd just stuck to the same routine, if he'd just stayed the same. does he regret sending george a letter? he didn't know if he regretted it, he wasn't sure of anything.

"what do I do? I can't do this to george or to myself. this is just too soon, it's probably one sided anyways, he'd never like me. he was probably joking." dream was sure that george was just joking, which hurt him more than he'd admit.

he told himself repeatedly that the feelings are one sided, that george would never like him. it made his heart hurt but he needed to accept it. no one likes him, he just fell too hard at a bad time.

there was barely even any interaction, just a couple letters. that's all it took, a shy 24 year old who was bold on paper. he didn't even think it was possible. it was so unexpected, it was hard for him to even find someone attractive so for him to like someone so suddenly. he couldn't believe it.

he spent days trying to convince himself that he doesn't like george, that's it not real what he's feeling. he was just lonely, he just needed attention, that was all. he didn't want to admit that i was so difficult to not think about 'him'.

"all it took was like 3 letters, this is so stupid." dream was growing more and more frustrated with himself. he thought it was the dumbest thing for him to do, only idiots fall for people they've never met.

he had no energy to do anything, to even think. he just wanted to stop thinking, especially about...

but surprisingly enough, he doesn't regret it. even if he had a million chances to do it again, he'd choose to do the same thing. he had good things come out of this, so he couldn't let the bad weigh down the good.

when he was done sulking in his feelings, he thought it'd be a good idea to read the letters he had. he read each one, feeling overwhelmed with happiness. the way george writes, it was so...perfect. he could find out so much about george through his handwriting, his style, and it was cute to him.

he'd realized very soon after why he'd fallen, all he did was smile. there was something about george that was special, and he loved it. he didn't want to deny the feelings anymore, they won't go away just by wishing them away. he'd just have to accept them, and try his best to make not hurt as much.

he knew it was one-sided, but he felt like he might still have a chance. maybe george felt the same, maybe he'd be sending him a love letter back. maybe he'd be the dream boy who'll come visit and he can be the tour guide they have been writing to each other about.

maybe they can have a happy ending. they can be happy together, taking flights to see each other ever other month. it'd be perfect, they'd be content with each other. 

dream likes to imagine dumb things like that, but that keeps him going. knowing his story will end in sadness, he uses his own imagine to take somewhere happier. where everything works out like it's supposed to. 

he misses george.