(Home)Less Without You

23

TW's:
*Suicidal thoughts

I left to go back to Darryl's and Zak's place and entered their apartment. I walked in and suddenly Darryl ran towards me, grabbing my shoulders.

'Are you okay?'

'Uh, why?'

'George texted me.'

'Oh yeah, what lies did he tell you this time?'

'He told me to look after you because you want to kill yourself.'

'Leave me alone, I'm going to bed.'

Darryl grabbed my shoulder, but I pushed him away. 'Leave me alone.'

'I'm not leaving you alone.'

'Well, I hope you are because I will hit you otherwise.'

I pushed Darryl away again and walked upstairs. Zak came after me and grabbed my hand. 'Can we just talk for a little?'

'What do you want?'

'Come, Clay. We are going to your room.'

I sighed loudly and rolled my eyes. 'Fine.'

We walked to my room and I sat down on my bed and looked at Zak. I rolled my eyes again at him, but he smiled at me instead.

'Clay, you have enough to live for. You are going to be okay, you are not going to kill yourself.'

'What do I have to live for? Tell me? I have no job, I have no family, I have no friends, I have no house, I literally have nothing. I have no money, I can't even buy myself some food or clothes, I have nothing. My crush hates me, I get accused of freaking sexual assault. He was my first kiss, you know. That will be a good first kiss to look back on. I just kissed him, I swear I did. I only kissed him on his lips, nothing else.'

'You don't have to explain me anything, I know you didn't do that. I believe you.'

'How can you believe me over your friend George?'

'Uh- we uh- heard your conversation.'

'What?'

'Darryl and I followed you to the park when we noticed you were gone and uh- we heard you scream at him and we heard him say that you didn't do anything.'

'Well-.'

'But we believed you before that too.'

'Why?'

'Because you don't do anything like that to a person you love.'

'I don't l-love- h-him. Well- I'm the worst liar.'

'I know you love him, but that's fine.'

'I don't want to fall in love with a guy.'

'But you're gay, Clay.'

'Yes and I don't want to, is that so hard to understand?'

'No, I understand you. Being gay is not weird, it's totally fine.'

'You are just saying that, but it clearly isn't. I make one mistake by kissing my friend and I'm immediately the worst person in the world. If I would have been a girl everything would have been totally okay. If I was a girl and I kissed George, everything would have been freaking fine. So don't you freaking dare saying that being gay is fine, it's not. Everyone knows it's not so don't even try and act like it is. So much would have been different if I was a straight guy or girl here, so much would have been different. Stop freaking lying to me, because everyone knows it's not true.'

'But it is fine, I really don't care if you're gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, and whatever other sexuality you can be. I don't care, I really don't.'

I jumped up. 'I don't care what you think. You might not care, but ninety procent of the people do care. Maybe even more, maybe even freaking more than that.'

'I'm sorry, I will always be on your side, Clay.'

'You will choose George eventually. I'm just a stranger who random showed up and interrupted all you guys friendships. Why would you choose me over George? You wouldn't, you don't even care about me at all. You can't even say you do, because you just know me a day.'

'I actually do care and I wouldn't choose anyone above another.'

'You would, Zak. You would. I will be always a second choice, I will always be the last choice. Everyone hates me or leaves me. I have no purpose on this freaking earth anymore, I want to die and no one cares if I would. Now let me sleep and leave me alone, if I want to kill myself, just freaking let me kill myself. I want it and you have nothing to say about me. Now leave, I want to sleep.'

'I-.'

'Please.'

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