(Home)Less Without You

20

TW's:
*Self harm/self hate
*Suicidal thoughts
*Mentions death family members

I waited for Zak and Darryl had given me his coat. Zak arrived ten minutes later and he smiled at me. He shook my hand. 'I'm Zak.'

'I uh- I'm Clay.'

'Nice to meet you, dude. Are you alright?'

I have suicidal thoughts, I want to die, I get accused of sexual assault, I have no family or friends, I was hypothermic, everyone left me, I'm broken and I hate myself because I'm gay and I kissed my only friend.

'I'm okay.'

Zak nodded, but I knew he didn't believe me. I heard my phone buzz, it was George. I ignored him and walked with Darryl and Zak to his car. Darryl and I sat in the back and I closed my eyes, preventing myself from all tears rolling down. I didn't want to cry anymore. I squeezed my hoodie and shut my eyes even more.

'Are you okay?'

I ignored Darryl and kept thinking. I had no purpose on this earth anymore. I had nothing to live for anymore. Darryl might act nice, but at the same time he was just pitying me, or he was lying at me. There was just no in between. Zak stopped driving and I stepped out of the car. Darryl immediately showed me the shower and I closed the door behind me. I undressed and looked with tears in my eyes at the sight in front of me. I was getting very skinny, I was ugly, I was everything I didn't want myself to be.

TW self harm

I stepped in the shower and started finally warming up a little bit. I enjoyed the warmth on me, but I started crying harder and harder. Why did I have to be gay? I really didn't want to kiss George, I really didn't. It just happened, it was just a stupid mistake. The only light in my life and I ruined it. I grabbed the razor which was laying down on the sink and pushed it on my arm. I turned around my arm, pushing it in my wrist. I could just end it all. I just wanted it so badly. I just stopped thinking clearly and started cutting my whole wrist open.

After a while I turned off the shower which was turned completely red of all the blood. I dressed up and I felt myself getting very lightheaded. I sighed a little and walked to the bedroom, I tried not to make any stains in the rug on the floor, but blood kept dripping down quicker and quicker. I looked around me and startled when I saw Zak sitting.

'Oh-,' I started.

'Clay? What the hell have you done?'

'Uh-.'

'Dude. Bad, bring a towel please.'

Darryl came running in with a towel and he looked at my arm in shock. He wrapped the towel around my arm and looked at me.

'What the muffin did you do?'

'Oh nothing, I just uh- it seems worse than it actually is.'

Darryl dabbed my arms a little and looked at the countless cuts in my arm. 'Sit down. Why did you do this?'

'Why wouldn't I? I literally lost everything. I lost my parents, I lost all my friends, I lost my house, I lost literally everything in life. What does it matter anymore? Who cares if I cut myself? Literally no one, okay? My freaking crush didn't even care enough to stay with me when I almost died. You know what he said to me? That he understood why I have no one, that I have no one left, and you know- after I begged him to forgive me or just to talk with me first, he just kicked me out. If my crush doesn't care about me anymore, well what's the point.'

'Hey, Clay. George is not everyone on this earth. You might like him a lot, but you will find someone else. It doesn't have to be him.'

'May I ask what happened?' Zak asked carefully.

'I kissed him and he made up a story that I touched him and pushed my tongue in his mouth. Well I can assure you, I definitely didn't do that. I know I shouldn't have kissed him, I should have never even let anyone know I'm gay, but it just happened. I hate myself for it, more than anything in this world.'

I looked at Darryl putting some bandage around my arms and the only thing I could think about was suicide. No one would care, I would just do the same thing my dad did, only I had no one caring about me.

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