(Home)Less Without You

24

TW's:
*Suicidal thoughts/plans/letter
*Self harm
*Mentions suicide and death family members

Zak had left and I had cried myself to sleep. I slept three hours that night and when I woke up I went to shower. Even though it was pretty early, I didn't mind. I had stepped in the shower and looked at the razor. It was so tempting to just cut my wrist open again, but I could better not do it. I would kill myself anyway, it didn't matter that much anymore. I could just do it and no one would ever notice, but what was the point, I would be dead in a few hours from now.

I turned off the shower after still having made countless new cuts and dressed up. My wounds were still bleeding and it made stains in my shirt, but who cared? This shirt was old, and again. After a few hours I would be dead. No one would care about me and some bloodstains in my shirt. I walked downstairs and grabbed a piece of paper. I started writing my suicide letter.

Dear Darryl and Zak (and I secretly hope George and Sapnap too),

I know you all told me not to kill myself, but when I asked for reasons why I shouldn't, no one knew any. I appreciate it so much what you have done for me, Darryl and Zak. Letting me stay over here in your house, giving me food, letting me take a shower. I really appreciate it, I really do.

But whatever would happen you would never genuinely care about me, I would never be someone's first choice. And again, I can list all reasons why I should kill myself, but that wouldn't help. I just have nothing to live for and George, if you read this. Please, I just loved you. I maybe still love you, a lot. I'm in love with you and I would never touch you at places you didn't want me to touch you at and I definitely didn't assault you. I really like you, I'm sorry that I'm gay. I just figured it out too, and I hate myself for it.

When my dad killed himself, I have always wanted to go after him, he overdosed. I wished I could have been home from school just about ten minutes earlier and I could have saved him, but no. I had a detention that day, I could have been home earlier, I still could have had a dad. I could have had a mum if I knew how to do CPR, but I was only twelve. I was only sixteen when I had no parents anymore. I never had friends, and when I thought I finally had friends, I had to fall in love with my guy friend.

I know everything would have different if I was a girl, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I am like this, and that's why it's better for me to kill myself. Please don't look for me, just let me. Please, I literally beg it to you as my last wish. My wish is suicide, just let me. I have nothing anymore, I literally have no one. I'm all alone, and that's why you don't even have to try and save me, because I'm not worth it.

Again, I appreciate so much what Darryl, Zak, George and Sap did for me. I know you never really cared for me, but I like the idea that I had a few friends. I like the idea some people have maybe cared for me just for a little. I appreciate you all and George, I really liked you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to leave you, but you didn't care. I'm sorry. Goodbye and just know it's not your fault, it's just everything that tried breaking me and did.

Love, Clay <3

I laid the paper on the table and reread it to make sure I didn't forget anything. I closed my eyes for a little, sighing a little. I was relieved, everything was going to end now, and I loved the idea. I opened the door and closed it behind me again. I opened my phone and went to George's and mine chat.

I smiled shortly as I saw his profile picture and started typing.

You
Goodbye George, I love you❤️

And that's when I turned my phone off and started walking. I already planned this out fully.

730 words