Coffee in the wee

T.O.T.G.A.

"Want to watch a movie?" I ask in a whisper. We are both naked on the bed, cuddling, covered in a thick comforter as the cold breeze from the air conditioner starts to pierce through our fresh-from-rumpy-pumpy bodies.

I still couldn't wrap myself around the fact that this time, you agreed to be the receiver, I, the penetrator. You are absolutely full of surprises... and it's one of the things I love about you. I won't be lying to myself; it's definitely one of the best sex I've ever had!

You smile at me, stare for a moment and kiss me on the lips. "Sure." You purr.

I give you a smack. "Okay, then." 

Slowly, I sit up and get out of bed to take out my laptop from my duffel bag placed on the adjacent couch. I go back to bed immediately and turn it on as I see you observe my every move in my peripheral. As I wait for the laptop to establish Wi-Fi connection, I shift my gaze on you. You are still smiling and I'm concerned that your cheeks might get spasms if you continue doing it. "What?" I ask intriguingly.

"Nothing!" You say, still smiling.

"Nothing? Hmmmm..." I give you a naughty look.

You start giggling. "I, uhm..." You pause and think, as if trying to grasp for the right words to say. "I just find it weird..." You continue as you bite your lip, your face with a tinge of seriousness now. "I mean, you are my first Grindr hook up in years and I just feel weird that, you know, I found someone in the app that I can get along with really well."

I crinkle my nose. It's the 'weird' and 'someone in the app' that's stuck in my mind. The way I need more context because now I'm the one feeling weird. "Can you... like expound?" I ask.

You lie on your side, prop up on your elbow, your hand supporting your head. Silence fills the air for a moment before you begin talking again. "Okay, I guess what I really want to say is thank you." You tap my nose and continue. "Thank you because you are giving my weekends color... because you make me feel special. If you only know..." You end with a sigh, your eyes remind of that morning we were at your pad's balcony—that longingness for something. I want to know everything!

I reach for your hand and lock it with mine before I respond. "You know you can tell me everything."

You take a long, deep breath and exhale loudly. "Okay." You say, convincing yourself more than me.

I say nothing, I just hold your hand tighter.

"That night you found me on Grindr, that was actually my first in years. Six years, to be exact." Your look up to the right, as if tapping your memory box inside your brain before you continue. "I had a relationship for six years. He's five years older than me and it was a LDR. I'm here in Cebu and he is in Manila. We started online and, you know, I fell in love with him."

"Go on." I urge.

"At first, we would call and chat with each other often, you know, honeymoon stage. But as the years passed, the frequency kinda subsided but I knew I still love him so I never thought of breaking up with him or anything like that." Your lower lip protruded in a soppy pout before you talk again. "Actually, we never broke up formally. It just looked like it because he stopped communicating."

I'm pissed. I want to punch whoever this guy is. "Why would he do that?"

"Well... I saw him cheat on me." You say, smirking.

"WHAT?!" I interject, almost kicking my laptop. Briskly, I unlock my hands with you to pick it up, fold it and place it on the bedside table then shift all my attention back to you. "How?" I demand.

"Promise that you will never judge me."

I raise my right hand in the air to take this quick, informal oath. "I promise."

You smile at my gesture and carry on. "So, in those six years, we only met in person eight times. I'm proud to say that in my part, I did everything to be faithful. I can't say the same for him because, well, I caught him." You pause to sit up. "Last March, he visited me here. I was very happy because I missed him so much, you know that feeling? So, anyway, I know the details of his trip because months before, we would already talk about it. I'm sure he was booked for three days at the hotel he stayed in but he only met up with me on his last day, hours before his flight. And he met up with me at a coffee shop... a FUCKING COFFEE SHOP!"

I don't know how to react so I stay silent. Though I appreciate you being honest with me about your last failed relationship, I can't help but feel jealous. I so despise whoever that guy is. The temerity he has to do something like that to an angel like you. Ugh, I hate this! I'm really mad.

"So, anyway... the talk was uneventful. I stayed silent most of the time because I didn't know what to feel. Then a guy came by our table and handed him the key card to his room and said thanks. I walked out crying and never looked back. I was a mess!" You exclaim, tears start to well up in your eyes.

"I'm sorry!" I mutter sincerely as I motion to hug you, tight and full of empathy. I honestly don't know what else to do. Right now, all I know is that I love you and I will do everything in my power to not hurt you for it's painful to see you this way. I just feel so powerless because I can't do anything about your past. I wish I could do more.

"Thank you... but enough of the drama." You say, forcing a laugh. Seconds later, you tap my shoulders as you slowly break away from the hug. I see you wipe some tears off your cheeks, your eyes evading my stare. "Your turn!" You say enthusiastically, changing the subject.

"What about me?" I force a smile to lighten the climate in the room as you finally gaze back at me.

"Why did you not tell me your real name's Joseph?" You ask as you pout your lips.

"I don't really use it." I titter.

"Okay."

"Why Berlin?" I ask curiously. I remember, I forgot to ask you about this before.

"Berlin what?" You answer, your face blank for a moment. Seconds later, you realize what I was talking about. "Ah! No reason, I just like him in Money Heist. Does everything need to have meaning?"

"Not really, just curious." I explain.

"Good... then let's watch!" You say, beaming.

"Aye, aye, captain!" I respond as I do a hand salute.

You start laughing. "You're crazy!"

I pause and lean forward so I can whisper my response to your ear. "I'm really crazy... crazy for you."