online love (billie eilish)

you get me so high

A/N: a short chapter just from Billie's pov

inspo: you get me so high, the nbhd

~

Wish I didn't doubt it, I wish I never ever told you all about it...

Billie's POV:

Jules didn't show up, and I have barely seen Freya all day. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore, when we try to blend our worlds, it never works out. If she comes to where I am, she can't stay. And now that I'm here, there's no time or place for me. Maybe I still have this selfish part of me that expects more attention from her. Maybe long distance should be kept that way, getting a rush over text messages, and real life is always disappointing. I liked her better when she was an idea in my head. She liked me better when I was unreachable.

When she comes back, I try to not let myself become passive aggressive. I know I need to just speak, tell her how I'm feeling, but if I did, admitted there was a problem, it might be the end of us.

"Hey... there's a music room with a piano on campus you could rent out if you wanted too..." Freya breaks the silence and I roll my eyes and scoff.

"If I wanted to what?"

"You know, just write some stuff or just play?" her eyebrows raise at me, I can see her chest raising and falling faster. She gets anxious whenever there's a miscommunication. I don't care. It's not my job to fix her.

"You just sound like everyone else and I don't need that right now," I sigh, and when she reaches out to touch me I dodge her hand, and it falls to the space in between us on the mattress.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Well is this not enough for you? Me being here, exactly like this? Or do you not want me, you just want Billie Eilish," I spit out the name like it's somebody I hate. She mumbles under her breath, "I never said that," and shrinks away from me. I can't let this go.

"Well if I stopped making music what would I mean to you then?"

"I do, I love you because you're you, not the version that everyone else sees, but you. I just suggested this because I know you're scared you'll never top your debut album, but maybe if you got back into it, in a space with no pressure, you'd remember why you started..." Freya adds on. Everything she says sounds perfect on the surface, but her words still cut beneath that.

"Of course you'd think that."

"What?" she whispers while I try to keep my voice from echoing off the walls and into the hallway.

"Well it just sounds a bit childish, don't you think? Just rediscover yourself and fall in love with the music again. That's not what I wanted you to say and that's not what I asked. I asked you, if I never made music again, would you still love me, and your response is to tell me to try making music again? So yeah, I get it now. I see why you really want me," I let out all the hurt. And I'm so tired of counting my footsteps, dancing around subjects and feelings because I worry I'll break her. I can't be with someone this fragile, the guilt eats away at me. I feel guilty every time she frowns, like it's all my fault. I'm tired of being everyone's villain in every situation. She takes for granted that people can sympathize with her. While I'm here begging for an ounce of empathy from more than a million people.

"Billie, please. I was just trying to help and to push you like you did with the DBT, I just wanted to help you," Freya pleads with me.

"I'm not the one that needs help Freya. You're the one that needs help, and I'm the one that has to fix all of my problems and all of your problems. I know you live inside your daydreams, but how are you gonna help me when you break into tears ordering a fucking cup of coffee?" I raise my voice. I know later on I'll regret being too harsh but right now, at this moment, I don't care.

If we could agree to disagree and keep on reaching, it would get you so high all the time...

"Billie, I know you're frustrated but please I can't handle you taking this out on me!" she stands up and starts pacing around her small room, taking three steps then turning around.

"Yeah well you can't handle anything so maybe you should work on that," I shrug, already thinking about how I'm gonna pack my stuff and run away to a new place.

"You knew who I was when you first met me so you don't get to be mad at me because I'm not changing fast enough for you to feel good about yourself. I never asked you to try and fix all of my problems--" she starts and I can't let her finish and make this about me.

"No you didn't ask, just look at me with these big sad eyes and you get quiet and then you just watch your world crumble around you while you just stand there and watch it burn. What did you want me to do? Just let you slowly die inside?" I start to pick up my clothes and shove it in my suitcase.

"I was doing fine on my own and if you want to leave, leave cause I'll still be fine on my own," Freya looks out the window, tears brimming. I want to wipe them away but I'm the reason they're ready to fall.

"No you won't because you're not fine! You're so not fine that you don't even know what fine means! I'm sorry, okay, I am, I was being harsh but sometimes it just gets frustrating seeing the person you love hate themselves. And I can tell you all day all of the things I love about you,but you don't hear me. So basically, don't try and help me until you help yourself first," I leave it there. I leave it there and zip up my suitcase.

"Okay, so don't try to help me until you help yourself, Billie," she throws my words right back at me.

"Fine," I say.

"Fine," she says.

We're not fine.

I grab my things and stop, looking back. Maybe leaving hurts less once you stop looking back and just run for your life. I shut the door on my way out, catch me if you can.

I'm going home. I'm not gonna rely on anybody else ever again. I'm so mad I don't even know why I'm mad. Maybe I'll go home and I'll find some meaning to things again, and she'll stay here and get some help, and we'll see each other when we're ready. Maybe that's stupid and oversimplified, but I don't have a plan. I just make the wrong decisions and hope there's a second chance somewhere out there for me.

If you can just let me know if it's okay to call you when I'm lonely...