online love (billie eilish)

leaving tonight

inspo: leaving tonight, the nbhd

A/N: y'all not ready for this, i'm writing the next chapter as soon as i post this, so it'll also be up tonight because I don't want to hold y'all in suspense for long

IMPORTANT p.s: I've been hinting at the upcoming ending for awhile, dropping really, really subtle clues throughout this book, even in the lyrics to the song in the title, can you figure it out before the next chapter?

~

You fooled me from the start, when you let me start to love you, it's like a bunch of broken picture frames, but the photo still remains the same...

Freya's POV:

I don't sleep the whole night, just ruminating on everything Jo said, trying to make the best decision when it seems like nothing I do will please everyone. I've been going over it in my head, a future with Billie, if it's just a fantasy, or if it's a real possibility that I'm pushing away.

Some people might say I don't want happiness, that I'm too scared of it. But I'm not scared of being happy, I'm scared of finally reaching happiness, then losing it. To know how it feels for things to seem almost perfect, only for something to go wrong, and I'd lose the one thing I've always wanted.

So, I say no to things. I run and hide in safe, enclosed, tight spaces, and hate myself for not trying hard enough to make my life work. Is that the worst part? That I'm capable of doing something great, and I know, I know that I could because I've seen the things I can do when I've put my all into something. If I could just push past the fear, and the fear of the fear, I could be alright.

And I'm left here thinking, if I could change just one thing about my life or myself. It wouldn't be the money or the home or the family or the circumstances. If I could change just one thing, it would go like this. I'd get up to the counter, I'd feel the intense fear that I can't speak, I would recognize it, but then, it would pass. I would believe in myself, see all of my stupid fears as irrational, and I would trust that I'm safe, I'm secure, I'm lovable, and that I'm okay to be around.

I'm so damn tired of not understanding why somebody would want to be friends with me or be with me. I lose faith in my relationships with people because I just don't get what I could possibly have to offer them. So I think they must want something else from me, they must want to hurt me or take something from me. I'm just so tired of thinking this way and being this way.

But life goes one step at a time, and if this is the way that I'm wired, trained to fear everything, so be it. I just have to work harder in the simplest things and not let people capitalize on my fear. And it starts with Jo.

I take a sip of water from the glass on her nightstand, my mouth intensely dry and bitter; I almost choke on the water.

I shake her awake, and her eyes snap open immediately. She tries to put her arms over me and I slip off the bed and stand up.

"I've thought about it, and I want to leave, I want you to take me to the airport."

She doesn't speak, her eyes darting from side to side.

"I can't, I can't be the one that does it," she sighs and I feel the frustration build up.

"And I need you to do this for me. I need you to see what I need and help me, and not go back on what you promised," my voice doesn't shake, I command for her to take me to the airport.

"No," she says simply, and I get so angry.

"Well then give me your keys," I reach for her purse and she yanks it back, and that's when I see it all fall to the ground.