online love (billie eilish)

moment

inspo: moment, vierre cloud

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A new kind of love, genetically altered...

Freya's POV:

When a thing shrivels up, caves in on itself, when something feels broken beyond repair, but it's not quite dead... I just don't know what to do. It's like that succulent I've kept for 2 years that I stopped watering after a few months. All that's left is the vase, soil cracked like the desert floor, crumpled up dead little petals. I still take it with me from place to place, maybe because it's consistent. I can't remember a time where it wasn't dead or dying.

It's like the camera's paused, zoomed in on the reflection in my eyes while I watch the past year in pictures. I don't know when to walk away. I don't know how. There's nobody in my world except her. It feels too late to start over. One time in high school, I was talking to Jo's stepmom. I point blank asked her why she stays with her mean, cruel, ugly husband. She just shrugged, telling me that she feels too old to start over. And that was the saddest thing I had ever heard for some reason.

I toss the apartment keys on the kitchen counter, whipping the door shut, but Billie stops it with her hands. She cautiously slips in, softly closing the door. She leans against the door, tears in her eyes, while she watches me in fear.

"I don't even have the energy to fight with you. I have all of these words in my head but no way to communicate them to you," I shrug it off and slump down on the kitchen floor, breaking into tears.

I feel her footsteps on the floor. I feel the pause. I sense her hands reaching out, then falling down to her sides, unsure.

"I'm sorry."

Sorry means she did something wrong. She doesn't even try to say, sorry you feel this way, or sorry I made you feel that way. She's just sorry.

"For what?" I choke out.

"I shouldn't have even entertained the idea of talking to somebody else while I'm still with you," she stays behind me while speaking. I can't even face her.

"So what do you wanna do then? Break up?" I laugh a little.

And then she falls silent.

I was just fucking joking.

I spin around, looking up at her in disgust. She would never betray me like that. Not the girl I know, not my girl.

"Look, Freya... We haven't been happy in a long time. We're beating a dead horse or whatever they say. And when I was talking to her, it made me happy, and that made me realize how unhappy I am with you," she cuts deep into me. She didn't have to say it like that.

"You... after everything, you would just?" I don't even finish that sentence.

"I just, I have to be honest here, because we haven't been honest with each other in a while. All those things you said to me that day were just not okay. We both deserve better. I just don't think that love is enough anymore," Billie cries through her words.

"Billie, please, I-- I've just been going through a hard time, but it will pass, you just gotta give me time, okay? Let's work on this, okay? We'll treat this like a wake up call, and we're gonna try really, really hard. I'll try. I'll get help like you have been and we're gonna fix this, okay? Okay?" I stand up, legs shaking. She keeps shaking her head. I grab her face in my hands.

"No--no! Don't give up on me, Billie! You can't-- how could you just give up after everything we've-- it's like I don't even know you anymore. You wouldn't do this. I don't even know you, please, just, say you'll try! We're gonna try okay? We can go to couples therapy! We haven't done that yet. There's so many things we haven't tried--" I walk around the kitchen, opening cabinets, searching, keeping my hands busy.

"Freya, I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry," she gulps, then turns around, grabbing her car keys.

"Billie-- Billie! You-- you can't, no!"

I run and block the door.

"Freya--" she turns her head to the side.

"No, no! I don't care, okay. I don't care, I won't let you leave. I'm not gonna let you do that. I don't care if that's bad or if I'm crazy or what fucking ever. You can't leave me, I won't let you. Just sleep on it. Okay? We just need sleep, emotions are high right now. We can have a conversation about this, but you can't leave like this," I beg her, I cry, I do everything.

"Freya, you have no idea how much this hurts me. Especially knowing everything you've been through, knowing that I'm adding to that pain. But I can't stay with you just because I'm afraid of what you'll do if I leave. You aren't my responsibility."

I slide away from the door, tears leaking out, my face numb and unmoving. She opens the door shakily.

"Wait--"

She pauses to look at me.

"I can't remember the last time we kissed," I whisper.

Billie takes a step back into the apartment.

"I want to remember our last kiss," I look at her, the world a little blurry.

She nods, looking down, then back up at me. Her fingers delicately touch underneath my chin. Her hand slips around my waist, pulling me into her. She wipes away my tears with her thumb. Then both of her thumbs press into my cheeks as she kisses me like I'm her air. It's a few seconds, just our lips pressed against each other, neither moving, until she comes up for air.

And then she's gone.

Are you falling in love? I have a feeling you are.