online love (billie eilish)

i can't handle change

inspo: i can't handle change, roar

~~~

Hanging out where I don't belong is nothing new to me...

Freya's POV:

My dorm room felt like the safest place in the world for a couple months. Because when I stepped one foot out the door, it felt like the world was watching. I told myself I loved being alone. I kept my head down. I felt bad about myself for daring to take a moment to romanticize my life. I felt guilty for treating myself like the main character, so I hid in the background. I was the head in the back of a shot.

Until something just fucking snapped and I became somebody the camera auto-focused on. I found attention where I never had before and I fell into an illicit affair with it. But I ran and I threw myself out windows and I fell down staircases and I collapsed in bathtubs. I ruined so many things that could've been amazing. I thought if I could hit the self-destruct button over and over before somebody or something hurt me first, then I was calculated and tactful. No, I was just self-destructive. I was just an idiot.

And now I'm here.

When will I stop living moment to moment, bad decision by bad decision?

I get tired and I get sick and then I lose the strength to leave...

"Umm, what just happened?"

I hear Claudia's voice and my soul returns to my body and I'm on the floor. I pay close attention to my hands until I can feel the blood flow back into them.

"W-what do you mean?" I ask.

"Dude, we were just planning your escape and you were bouncing off the walls and shit and then you just sat on the floor and stared at the ceiling for like five straight minutes," she explains and I just stare at her.

I do that a lot. A flip just switches or a cloud floats across my view of the sun and I just sit and think until I come back.

"Okay, seriously, Freya, you're just like Joe from You. You take like twenty fucking seconds to respond and meanwhile you just stare at me but I can't even tell if you're really looking at me," she grows exhausted with me and sits back down in her bed.

"Sorry I just think a lot--"

Somebody knocks on the door before immediately opening it, and it's a nurse here to walk me to therapy.

I walk down the hall slowly, annoying the nurse, but I'm busy looking into the little windows on the doors, searching for her.

Until, finally, the end of a hall. I see her and I freeze. She looks up from writing something and we're looking right at each other. The beat drops and I fall into the bridge.

"Billie," I can't help but whisper. The nurse was scrolling on her phone and kept walking, she hasn't noticed my pause.

"I love you," she mouths.

"I know," I grin back.

"Hey! Keep it moving!" the nurse comes back and I quickly keep walking with her until we get to Allison's office.

I take a seat while she watches my every move.

I frown and sigh as I sit. I can't meet her eye.

"You've stopped crying," she observes out loud.

"Sorry to disappoint," I shrug.

"When did you stop crying?" she questions.

"When I stopped feeling sad and just felt hopeless instead," I respond, quickly.