online love (billie eilish)

please don't go

inspo: please don't go, abbey glover

~

Is there something wrong with me? Cause I can't seem to keep anyone or anything...

Billie's POV:

We get inside, I reach to help her back up to the bed, so we can just sleep this off and wake up okay. Freya pushes me aside, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and throwing it on the floor, stumbling down to the ground as she digs through her bag and puts on her own clothes. It takes me a minute to see she's packing, not unpacking.

"What are you doing?" I ask even though it's obviously happening right in front of my very eyes. Freya doesn't look up while she answers.

"If you didn't want me there, then why did you even bring me?" she replies, ignoring my question to throw me one that I don't know how to answer. I brought her there maybe because I wanted her to hate me, to think I'm superficial. Because it's better if she thought that, then I wouldn't have to say all these things and pull back the blanket from the wall. Maybe I don't want sincerity.

"It's not that I didn't want you there, but when I saw all of them, I just thought maybe things would be different. It's like whenever I'm with them I feel needed and good, but I get home and there's videos and pictures of me everywhere. And I was scared if you were in those videos, then it would cause a lot of questions," I frame it differently, hoping maybe she'll feel sorry for me and just go to bed and forget about all of it.

"If you don't want me to be a part of all of that, just say it then, don't try and make me feel sorry like I'll just brush it aside," she calls me out and my shoulders droop.

"I don't want anybody to know I'm talking to you."

Freya stops moving, taken aback. She looks up at me from the floor, lipstick smeared and mascara clearly not waterproof. I hate to see her like that, I didn't think she'd care so much.

"Well, I guess that's it then. I'm leaving," she gulps, stuffing clothes in her bag. I don't say anything when she slips my shirt in her bag. At least that shows she doesn't want to go. I don't think she's gonna go, I really don't. I've done the same thing before, pretending to leave to see if I'll be missed. And I would miss her even if I can't say it.

But then I think, maybe she's really leaving. I've seen everyone else leave, why would it ever be different? I look across the room and catch my reflection, and then I feel so stupid, like I look so dumb, all these things I dream of, or the things that have already come true, are worthless.

Is it the way I dress? My need to impress, or how I'm clearly drenched in loneliness?

Freya gets up, still barely able to stand up straight, and I find myself lunging to grab her wrist.

"Please don't go," I plead. It's all I can say without saying too much.

"I don't understand what you want from me and I never really did," she shrugs through tears. I open my mouth and it just hangs open, nothing comes out. I can't expose myself again, not like this. They always say that same shit like let them go and if they come back it's meant to be. I let go of her wrist.

"I just want you to be here," I stress the same thing again, because it's the only thing I can admit to. I just wish wanting someone to stay could be reason enough for them to stay.

"You say that but tonight you pretended like you didn't even know me," Freya cracks, breaking down in tears, falling back down. I don't like standing above so I sit with her on the ground, wanting to hold her but not wanting to overstep. I just watch her cry because of me.

"Do you even realize how much that hurt, standing there watching them make fun of me, to see you look away like I'm nothing? If I had 'clout' would you have acted differently?" she asks and I close my eyes, biting my bottom lip. No, no, maybe, possibly. She just doesn't get it, it's a world she's not a part of, and is it so bad that I want to keep her away from that? But I was a dick, maybe I brought her there just to rub it in her face that she'll never be like that. I don't even know why. Maybe I blamed everyone else for changing to pretend like I haven't changed too.

"I literally don't give two fucks about clout, you know that," I brush it off, rolling my eyes. I hate when I know I'm being a bitch but I don't stop myself. Self-sabotaging is my worst form of self-harm.

"I thought I knew that, but then you say one thing and act the total opposite," she digs in and I scoff, getting mad at her so I don't have to be mad at myself. Then I recognize it and soften up, tilting up her chin so she can see this is hurting me too.

"Just don't go," I give her a close-lipped smile. For a second, she looks like she's gonna agree, then she moves her face so my hand drops, sliding away from me.

"Tell me why not."

"Because I don't want you to," I insist, again.

"Why."

"Why does it matter why?" I push and Freya stands up, shaking her head, wiping her eyes.

"BECAUSE IT JUST DOES BILLIE!"

"No yelling," I stay on the ground, holding up two fingers.

"Then stop lying," she holds up one finger. We break our own rules.

"Fine, you really want to go? Then fucking go already," I snap, get back up on my bed and slip under the covers, staring at the wall.

"Fine," she snaps, and picks up her bags, slamming the door shut.

I really didn't think she would leave. Then I see my problems all splayed out in front of me. I didn't think she would leave me, I thought maybe if she was a fan or whatever, she'd just stay forever. I wanted her to come here and never leave, I wanted someone to have, not to hold.

And I hate myself for it.

Tell me, do I feel too much? Are you suffocating under my love? I can't help it darling, I can't help it with you...

Freya's POV:

I see Jules standing by the baggage claim, with a smile on his face, but it drops when I drag my bag behind me, sulking my way over. I don't say anything and he just leads the way to his car. I can barely lift my arms to push my bag in the backseat. I almost cry over it, but I don't.

When both our doors shut, he pauses, looks over at me concerned. I lean my head against the glass, zoning out. I see a couple run up to each other through the glass, and I miss when I thought it would be like that. When I really thought Billie would be waiting for me with a hug, but we just sat there, because maybe it's not supposed to be. We're too different.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he nudges me and I shake my head with no energy.

"It's just not going to work out, I guess," I shrug and he looks like he's gonna say more, but he decides to just nod and start driving.

I just hate that I was supposed to go there to escape and figure out myself, but now I'm even more confused and hurt. I keep moving and escaping places, expecting things to change. But everywhere's the same. It's time to go back and at least try to fix one mess. My phone buzzes and I look down to the homescreen.

billieeilish: did you get back alright?

I close the screen.

I try to make everyone happy, but what about, what about me?