Saving Lucifer

Losing Myself

The night sky was clear, a black blanket dusted with stars; the air was cool but not cold enough for a sweater. The pasture was lit by the moonlight allowing me to see perfectly as I made my way across and to the other side, far away from the ranch.

Every thought I was having in the house, every doubt, every heartbreaking moment I had thought of since I was sent to the Nothing... It all hit me at once. Closing my mind to hide the breakdown rising in me, my anger surged through my body forcing my grace to awaken. As my anger rose, so did my grace. Using the power and energy from it, I pushed off of the ground in a fast sprint.

Running.

Running as fast as I could from the thoughts.

Running from the anger.

Running from the pain.

Running from the shame.

The shame I felt for not being there, not being his mother. Not doing my part of raising him when I should have been the first one at his bedside every morning and every night.

I stopped, chest rising and falling in quick huffs. The anger boiled over and exploded within me. Raising my face to the sky, I clenched my fists as I opened my mouth and bellowed out a roar so loud, I was sure it woke anyone sleeping back at the house.

Not caring, I ripped a sapling from the ground baring its roots as I chucked it into the darkness. The huge boulders that lay at the top of the hill became my punching bags. I punched them over and over, breaking and cracking them with each blow. The booming of the boulders falling echoed through the night sky.

Picking up one of the rocks the size of a basketball, I chucked it out into the night sky, over the field of wildflowers, and heard it plummet into the pond on the other side of the hill.

The anger kept coursing through me, causing me to see red; eyes glowing with grace as I punched nearby trees, watching them domino to the ground in loud crashing sounds.

I pushed my legs harder, faster, until I was just a blur causing the leaves and branches to blow as I flew by, kicking up the scattered leaves behind me.

Finding myself in the middle of the woods, in the open area where the moonlight shone in so perfectly. I dropped to my knees allowing defeat to take over. The adrenaline melting away as grief and self-pity swallowed me. I slumped over my knees, elbows, forearms, and fists on the ground. The tears poured from my eyes, the crying turning into a quiet sob, quickly turning into an uncontrollable sob that had me hyperventilating. I couldn't breathe, snot was threatening to run down and out of my nose. Falling to my side, I curled my knees into my chest, wrapped my arms around them, and tucked my chin to my chest as I buried my face in my knees. The emotions washed over me in a tidal wave as they all finally surfaced.

I didn't know how long I was there laying on the blanket of grass and I didn't care, I just laid there until I felt numb, no tears left to cry.

"Angel?"

The sudden break in silence startled me causing me to sit up quickly. Turning towards the one voice that could break my heart, even more, I find Lucifer standing there looking concerned.

"What?" I growled.

He slowly approached me as if I were a venomous snake about to attack.

"Are you ok?"

"Just leave me alone, Lucifer. How'd you even know I was out here?"

"Well, for starters, Castiel was in such a panic that I was forced to see what was wrong with him. He still feels everything, you know? The bond you guys have? He still knows when you're not ok. So, just before you closed your mind, I slipped in. I quickly made the house soundproof, not allowing any sounds to be heard within its bounds. And then there's the tree's crashing to the ground. Could you imagine the state your brothers would be in right now if they heard that?"

He lowered himself to a sitting position next to me, knees bent, arm's resting on top of them, hands clasped together.

"You shouldn't be out here." My eyes bore into the ground, refusing to look up at Castiel's face.

He reached over to comfort me, I pulled away, turning my back to him.

"Please, leave me alone."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. It's not you. I just can't look at you right now, ok?"

I stood, brushing myself off as I began walking away. Lucifer stopped me by grabbing my arm and gently pulling me to face him. Still looking at the ground, refusing to look at my husband's eyes, he spoke softly.

"I understand why you don't want to see me but he's the one who sent me out here. If you don't believe me, sleep."

"Can he see me?" I asked looking up to face him.

His eyes, Castiel's eyes, were staring at me with concern and worry. He read every inch of my face before his eyes bore into mine. Brushing loose strands of hair out of my eyes, he cupped the back of my neck and pulled me into a hug.

"Luce," I protested.

"He can see you. He's breaking because he can't be here for you."

Breathing in Castiel's scent caused me to wrap my arms around his torso. I nuzzled my head against his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heart.

"I need him here with me." I began crying again.

He pulled away from me, holding me at arm's length.

"Go sleep. Open yourself back up. He's trying to reach you."

Forcing my way back into his arms, I held him tighter.

"It's not the same. We aren't really with one another. I need him to hold me, Luce. I need Castiel's arms around me. Please." I begged.

I could feel him lower his head as he sighed. Reluctantly, he pulled me off of him.

"I think I should go. I'll take Abigail and go somewhere until Castiel is strong enough to begin healing himself."

Feeling the shame rise and the heat burn against my cheeks, I instantly regretted my actions.

"No. If you leave, Abbie won't be safe. Neither will you. I'll figure something out; I'll just be out here a little longer."

He squeezed my arm and smiled a reassuring smile.

"You going to be ok out here? Should I send your brothers or Gabriel out?"

"If you're sure?"

Looking up into Castiel's eyes the yearning for him grew stronger. The way Lucifer licked his lips felt like it was in slow motion. Feeling my body react, begging to be with Castiel, I stepped away.

"You should go. I'm fine. Go."

His brow furrowed as he tried to figure out why my tone changed so quickly. He jerked his head slightly to the side, his eyes darting as if he was thinking or listening for something. Without a word he nodded, turned, and made his way back towards the ranch.

I opened my mind and lay back down on the bed of grass. Crossing my arms behind my head, I stared up at the star glittered sky and pushed my grace out feeling for Castiel's. Once mine began to stir, so did his. The two began swirling and intertwining as I willed myself to sleep.