Sanders Sides Oneshots

Rejects (No Ship)

-I saw this skit and immediately thought of this. Sorry if it's horrible. The skit belongs to Tomska. !Warning! Violence, mentions of suicide, and racist comments.-

Logan silently closed the door behind him, not knowing that Roman was right there. "Hey, Logan!" Roman smiled. the intellectual side gasped and blocked the door behind him.

"ROMAN! Roman. Hi Roman. Do you want some ham? I don't know where that came from, I don't have any ham...What are you doing here?" Roman looked at the normally stoic side, slightly confused.

"I live here, of course." He said to Logan, to which the bifocled man laughed nervously.

"Great!" Logan muttered. "Did your hair lose....weight?" The intellectual side internally kicked himself for the weird question. Roman's smile disappeared.

"Whats in the living room?" The fanciful side asked, nervous. To which Logan replied:

"What is a living room?" The tie-wearing character quickly looked for something to say. "Did you get new...arms?" Logan asked awkwardly. Roman was done with Logan's BS by this point.

"Move out of the way." He ordered, shoving Logan to the side. Roman stormed into the living room, looking around. His eyes widened when he saw a dead body that looked strangely familiar. The prince screamed loudly.

"AAAAA look at that chair," Logan exclaimed, pointing to the recliner. "That is a nice chair. let's just look at it..."

"I've already seen the dead body, Logan, you can't distract me." Just as soon as the words left Roman's mouth, another body fell from behind the recliner. Logan looked at Roman awkwardly

"So nice..."

"WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEAD BODIES DOING HERE?!" Roman demanded, nervous and extremely confused.

"Honestly not much." Logan shrugged.

"I'm calling the other sides." Roman declared. Logan started to panic.

"Uhhhh HAM!" The normally stoic side yelled as he summoned a piece of sliced ham and threw it onto Roman's face. Cue offended princy noises.

"I. Want. Answers." Roman warned, throwing the ham to the ground. Logan slouched.

"Alright, I lied." Logan admitted, "I do have ham."

"ABOUT THE BODIES!"

"Oh. Well," The intellectual side started, "You know when you want to tell someone something but you don't want to hurt their feelings so you bottle it up until it slowly but surely develops into an overwhelming urge to kill them?" 

"Obviously," Roman replied after a little period of silence.

"I cloned you so I could kill you," Logan said bluntly.

Roman put his hand on his face. So that's why the bodies looked so familiar. "Oh my god." He removed his hand from his face quickly. "Wait. Why did you clone me twice?"

"Yes," Logan mumbled. "Twice." Just as Logan said that another Roman with a sombrero walked into the living room.

"HOLA!" Logan quickly summoned a loaded gun and shot the sombrero-wearing clone in the stomach. "Adios." The Roman added before falling to the ground dead.

"Who was that!?" The Roman next to Logan asked.

"That was Spanish Roman." the tie-wearing character replied in his usual monotone voice. "I called him Sproman." 

"Why?!"

"It's a portmanteau of Spanish and Roman."

"No, Why was he Spanish?" Roman was getting quite annoyed.

"Oh yeah." The bifocled side started. "The cloning process took a little while to perfect. There were...rejects..."

"How many rejects?"

A Roman clone walked in. "Has anyone seen my foot?" He asked, running his hands through his hair. 

"Why would it be in your hair." The normal Roman asked, annoyed. 

"Oh, that's doesn't-understand-the-human-body-Roman," Logan explained. Roman rolled his eyes.

"Of course." The DUHB Roman looked at the two, offended. 

"Hey, Say that to my face!" He shouted, pointing to his elbow. Logan rolled his eyes and shot DUHB Roman in the stomach. "Ow! My knees!" After that, Another Roman walked in. 

"Remember kids, if a strange man is offering you candy, there's probably more in his car!" The Roman suggested. The real Roman looked at Logan.

"Really-bad-advice-Roman," Logan explained and shot the clone. 

"OW DRINK BLEACH!" The clone yelled as he died. Another walked in. He pointed behind him.

"I really hate this next guy!" The clone declared.

"Racist Roman." Boom, another shot, and the clone was on the ground dead. Another clone replaced him.

"Ugh, white people."

"Secretly Asian Roman," Logan explained once again. Yet again, another shot. 

"Really?" The normal Roman asked. "They all look the same to me." Logan looked at Roman with disgust. "The clones! I meant the clones!" The fanciful side exclaimed.

Four more Roman's walked in. four more shots.

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Ow."

Each "Ow" was sung in a different note, one slightly higher than the last. 

"Barbershop Quartet Roman," Logan explained. Roman looked at Logan.

"So, is that all of them?" The prince asked. Logan shrugged.

"Well there was Suicidal Roman, but uh..." There was a bang from the next room over. "Yep thats all of them." Roman sighed and smiled.

"Thank god. Ya' know, you could always just talk to me!" the fanciful side pointed out. "We've all bottled up our feelings to the point where we feel like our only option is to murder a bunch of clones, but you can just talk to me, okay?" Roman put his hand to Logan's shoulder.

The tie-wearing character smiled. "Thank you, Roman." There was a comfortable silence for a little while.

"So," Roman began, "What did you want to tell me?"

Logan took a deep breath before answering. "You're a clone."

"What?!"

"I turned the real Roman into a chair."

"WHAT?!"

"I call him Chroman." The two looked at the recliner, who started to scream. The clone Roman started to scream too. Afraid that the screaming was going to attract the other sides, Logan summoned another piece of ham and threw it at the clone Roman, shutting him up.