confession #banglo

#1

Youjin had noticed something was up the minute he arrived at Yongguk's house. Sure Yongguk sometimes had off days and during them Youjin always just knew he wasn't doing quite alright - though he never dared to say anything since it seemed like something the older wouldn't be comfortable talking about. They had only known each other for a little less than two months but during that time they had already gotten close enough to hang out almost every day and never feel awkward, even when they didn't have anything to talk about. Youjin felt like they got along so well and in some platonic, brotherly way, something just clicked between them right away.

Yongguk opened the door for him and his face was dark. Not only did his eyes look like he hadn't slept and were dazed as if he was heavily intoxicated, they were also red until the extent where one could just imagine how painfully dry they were.

"Are you hungry?" Yongguk's voice came out so hoarse he had to clear his throat before managing to finish his sentence.

"Not yet," Youjin gave him a simple answer, his head filled with concerns because of how dead the other person seemed.

Yongguk's room was dark and as they walked in, he only turned on the blue led lights that illuminated his desk just enough for them to be able to work. It matched both of their aesthetics and kept the mood right. Regardless of how dark it was, Youjin could still notice the room was messier than usual. What especially attracted his attention was the mirror on the wall, now missing more than half.

"Do we continue working on the song or should we just chill today?" Youjin asked, pulling out a chair to sit next to Yongguk. "You look so tired I wouldn't be surprised if you passed out."

"I'm fine," Yongguk replied with two words that didn't answer to anything Youjin had said. The way he said he was fine with a tone that made it seem like he meant the exact opposite only added up to Youjin's worry. He pulled out his laptop and Youjin's eyes managed to catch a good look at Yongguk's knuckles that were covered in bloody scars. They were dark red, almost black, and covering his whole right fist. Seeing them made Youjin's stomach twist and he immediately pieced them together with the broken mirror.

"Why did you do that?" he asked, not being subtle at all in his approach because based on the previous 'I'm fine', Yongguk was likely to just avoid the topic.

"What?" Yongguk questioned as if he didn't notice Youjin was staring directly at his hand.

"Why did you hurt yourself?" Youjin became more serious, demanding an honest answer from Yongguk who was looking for a way out of the pressuring situation.

It wasn't that he didn't trust Youjin, the guy was the realest friend he had had in a long time who he felt totally comfortable around, he just wasn't good at "sharing". He lacked empathy skills and knew that if someone opened up to him, he wouldn't know what to say or how to react. So he believed he didn't have the right to seek comfort from others either. How he felt was his own problem.

"I know you want to give me that 'I'm fine' crap but I clearly see you're not in a good place. You wouldn't do something as extreme as this for fun. If you don't trust me enough to tell me what's going on then I respect that but I hope you can talk to someone. Because you shouldn't keep everything to yourself. It hurts me to see you like this," Youjin spoke calmly, expressing all his concerns at once because he just couldn't hold back.

Just these couple words from Youjin were enough for Yongguk to break. He leaned his head on his hands over the desk to hide his face from Youjin but the single tears that had already formed in his eyes, dropped on the surface of the desk with a sound he was unable to hide. He felt Youjin gently placing a hand behind his back.

"I'm sorry," he let out, biting his cheek and breathing in and out as slowly and deeply as he could to stop himself from crying any more. "These days I have just been constantly reminded of him... I should have gotten over it already since it has been a year," he tried to make a joke of himself but more and more tears kept appearing as he was forced to think about that person.

"It's been a year since what?" Youjin asked, feeling the same twitch in his stomach again as he listened to his friend's voice that kept breaking.

"Do you know a rapper called Zelo? I have done a song with him before," Yongguk lifted his head back up, not bothering to hide his face anymore since Youjin had clearly noticed everything already. He sat straight with his expression cold as if he had made a decision to not cry anymore.

"I have heard of him," Youjin said while in his head, pieces were being put together. He remembered the said rapper had passed quickly after rising into fame and realized it must have now been about a year since that. "He was your friend, right?"

"Not just a friend I..." - Yongguk found it hard to get the words out - "I think I loved him," he said looking at Youjin with his eyes glistening again. He turned his gaze away, shaking his head slightly. "No, he was the love of my life."