confession #banglo

#13

"Are you finished?" Hyungwon asked, nodding towards the bowl of rice Yongguk had barely taken a spoonful of. Yongguk didn't react. "Thought so. Eat it or you'll still be sitting here when mom and dad comes home." Yongguk stared at the bowls of food for a moment longer before standing up in an attempt to go back to his room. Hyungwon grabbed him by the arm and aggressively made him sit down, not even trying to bare his strength.

"Who are you to tell me what to do? What do you know about anything!" Yongguk opened his mouth for the first time in weeks and at first barely any sound came out. Once his throat cleared, his voice became loud, though still raspy as if he was suffering from a horrible flu. "Just let me die in peace!"

"Oh, don't you dare talk like that. I'm your brother and I'm not going to watch you die so shut up and eat your food," Hyungwon was stern, not giving Yongguk any pity no more.

"How can you know how I feel?" Yongguk glared at Hyungwon, his expression scary enough to stop people from bothering him. It had no effect on Hyungwon, though. "That's right, you can't. There's no way for anyone to feel the pain I feel so no one can come to tell me to get over it. Even if I ate this food it's not going to bring Junhong back so why bother. And why do you care? I'm not even your real brother."

Now this got Hyungwon mad and he shot up. "Didn't I tell you to shut it already. I'm going to tell mom next if you don't stop that talk. I have covered for you enough already. Every time they come home or call me to ask how you're doing and I always tell them you're doing better. So eat your food or I'm telling mom you're planning on dying and make them call an ambulance for you," Hyungwon's voice was just as scary as Yongguk's glare and it was surprising he dared to talk so bluntly to his older brother.

Yongguk stayed silent for a couple seconds before giving up and leaning to grab the bowl of rice from the table. With a shaky hand, he brought a spoonful of rice to his mouth and forced himself to start chewing on it like it was the most disgusting thing he had ever tasted. Hyungwon was satisfied and sat back down, watching as Yongguk spent a good while eating that one spoonful. He picked up chopsticks to pick up a piece of meat and put that on top of the rice.

"Eat up," he said quietly, his tone completely different from what it had been less than a minute ago.

"You're not saying shit to mom," Yongguk had to clear his voice as the words got stuck to his throat.

"Did you just curse? Never thought I would hear you curse," Hyungwon laughed. Yongguk wasn't amused. "I won't say anything if you stop locking yourself up in your room and start living again. But if you continue like this, she will be the first to know."

"I have nothing to live for."

Hyungwon reached to take something from the other end of the couch. It was the worn-out notebook Yongguk used to write lyrics on. He then waved it in the air to get Yongguk's attention and threw it on Yongguk's lap.

"Where did you get this?" Yongguk glanced down at the notebook as if he despised the sight of it. He seemed like he wanted to shake it back to the ground instead of picking it up.

"I saw it in the trash," Hyungwon told, although Yongguk was probably well aware that was where he had thrown it. It hadn't been an accident; he intended to get rid of it. "You can't throw your whole life away."

"I don't want this to be my life anymore," Yongguk muttered but at the same time, he slowly placed the rice bowl down and flipped through the pages of the notebook. Soon he landed on the page he had most used recently - the one that had his and Junhong's skatepark plans. Then he grabbed the notebook and threw it across the room, aggression taking over him.

Hyungwon was no therapist so he had no idea what to say to Yongguk. Comforting wasn't in the list of his skills so the best he could do was listen. Yongguk wasn't speaking so he couldn't even do that.