confession #banglo

#9

"Who do you think regretted that night the most?" Youjin asked after Yongguk had finished telling about that dreadful night.

"Definitely me. I know Gunhee only regretted what he had done while he was hungover. Later he was maybe even slightly proud of himself," Yongguk felt disgusted thinking about how someone could be proud of being a cheater.

"He is awful..." Youjin muttered, feeling the same as Yongguk did.

"I was too afraid to stop Gunhee from doing things like that so instead, I texted Jen and told her what her boyfriend was doing," Yongguk told, feeling like otherwise Youjin would judge him from not stopping Gunhee. "The next time I saw her, there was a bruise on her face. I hated myself so much for telling her. Can you imagine, I was more mad at myself for telling her about getting cheated on than Gunhee for hitting his girlfriend," his voice got more quiet. He was embarrassed.

"So it's not just a rumor that their relationship was abusive?"

"Not at all. It was already questionable before and after that incident, it just kept getting worse."

"It's not your fault, you know. She still deserved to know and even if you didn't tell her it wouldn't have stopped anything," Youjin hated seeing Yongguk blame himself about everything. He had been through a lot already and he shouldn't blame himself for this as well.

"But I saw everything and did nothing," Yongguk raised his voice now. "I didn't even try to help her. I could have told him to break up with her at least. But no, I just watched and judged from the side."

"It's not your job to save everybody."

"I wish I could have saved someone... Three lives were ruined. When the three of us were driven apart, Gunhee's treatment towards Jen got even worse. I guess he took all his resentment out on her. He changed completely and especially the way I treated him after the incident makes it so we can never be friends again. And Junhong, well..." Yongguk couldn't bring himself to say that Junhong's life was more than ruined.

"Don't forget yourself. Not to discredit Gunhee's struggles but I believe this has affected your life more than his. He was just angry at you and being blamed for his friend's death but you lost someone you really loved. I didn't know you back then but I'm sure the person you are today is not the same from a year ago. Although I hope some day it wouldn't affect your life anymore, we can never know how long that will take."

"Some part of me wishes I could be friends with Gunhee again, maybe that would help, but a bigger part tells that it would never be possible. Even if Gunhee could put his anger behind, I'm not even sure if he is my type of person anymore."

"Have you tried?" Youjin asked.

"Being friends with him?" Yongguk received a nod from the other. "I have talked to him so many times but it's mostly just fighting. He holds such deep resentment against me that everyone knows he hates me. It's funny how it has come to a point where he hates me more than I hate him."

"I'm not saying you should be friends with him but I think you definitely should try clearing things up with him. I know you're tired of trying already but one last time. Maybe get a third person there to try to keep Gunhee from provoking you right off the bat," Youjin said, not exactly volunteering to be that third person although he would do it if asked.

"You're so optimistic," Yongguk snorted, trying to dig some humor out of his crappy state.

"I'm not saying it will work, I'm just trying to create solutions to help you. But what exactly was the thing that drove you apart in the first place?" Youjin asked. As much as Yongguk had already told him, he still didn't understand how things had gotten so bad.

"We released that first album and toured the first month with just the three of us. There was no one behind us, no label, no nothing; not even a manager to get us the gigs, we did everything ourselves. We made so many promises to stay together and I believe all of us wanted to keep those promises. But then one day I got a call."

-     -     -

Yongguk woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. He heard Junhong groan next to him as he reached for his phone to answer. They had stayed up late. Junhong had been studying after getting off work and Yongguk, wanting to stay with the younger instead of going home, had just sat in bed, watching rap videos, writing lyrics or just doodling on his notebook - whatever managed to keep him busy.

He was still half asleep as he answered the phone but what he heard from the other end quickly woke him up. He sat up straight. Junhong, slowly waking up himself as well, noticed that something was going on now and sat up himself too, giving Yongguk a questioning look. Yongguk glanced at him as well and kept staring at him as he listened to what the person on the other end of the call talked about. He took the phone off his ear and put it on speaker as he realized this was something Junhong should hear.

"Yeah Zelo and I can come. How about Gun?" he said to reply to the question the caller had just asked. Junhong mouthed him an inaudible 'what'.

"Oh we're actually only interested in the two of you," the caller said. Junhong's eyebrows raised.

"Is there no chance to include Gun as well? He has made all of our songs and is a big part of our every performance? We wouldn't want to leave him behind," Youngguk asked, speaking in a polite tone.

"Unfortunately we have no space for a person like him at the moment. Our agency already works with multiple great producers who can make sure hits for you two. How about I give you some time to think about it? You can give me a call back once you know what you want to do."

"Alright, we will think about it then," Yongguk said, already sounding like he wanted to just say no. Junhong was starting to understand what the call was about.

"Think about it. I hope to hear good news from you." The call ended and Yongguk was still staring at Junhong as if to find answers from the guy's face. Except for slightly raised eyebrows, Junhong's face was expressionless as he was doing the same thing to Yongguk. The silence gave neither of them any answer.

"Was that what I think it was?" Junhong asked.

"If you're thinking about a major up-and-coming hip-hop record label wanting to sign the two of us, then yes," Yongguk had no emotion in his voice. It was like he wouldn't even believe what he was saying. A big label wanted to sign them. He wanted to be happy. But then there was the downside. That big label wanted to sign only them. The stress on that 'unfortunately' revealed that there was not even a slight chance for Gunhee to be coming with them.

"What are we gonna do?" Junhong asked, just wanting to celebrate the fact that they were getting scouted by some famous record label, his thoughts already making up all kinds of scenarios; meeting famous rappers, getting features and getting to do features, going on tour. But there was that same conflict in his head that Yongguk also had. Gunhee.

They spent the whole day and even some of the following night wondering if it was a good idea. Could Gunhee forgive them if they promised to keep him with them unofficially? Was the gain greater than the risk? Gunhee would do the same thing if he was in their position, wouldn't he? The next morning they called back the agency representative. They accepted the deal.