Just another book of bnha one shots..I think?

🖤The woes of a depressed teenager🖤

A/N: Hey guys, this chapter is less of a oneshot and more of a documented thought process. Idk, skip if you'd like 👍🏽 🖤

•You are a second year in class 2A of the hero course.
• You are ✨depressed✨
• Eijiro Kirishima is your best friend

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ

YOUR POV:

You drew a deep breath in as you sat down at the desk in your dorm room, tapping a freshly sharpened pencil on an empty book your therapist had gifted you.

'Well, let's just get this shit over with'

Dear diary, my name is (Y/N) (L/N).

Personally I think this whole thing is stupid as shit but Eijiro made me promise I'd go to therapy and this is what they're making me do.

Dear younger self, you don't know it yet but you're depressed.

You don't know it yet because you don't understand the way you feel and you won't for a very very long time. You won't understand when dad gets arrested, you won't understand when he dies. You won't understand when you're kicked out and homeless for a while and you most definitely won't understand when you find out why.

The truth is you still don't. You will be completely absorbed in the responsibilities of you life, so much so that you won't notice how much you don't want to live it until you've finally found a little peace.

Once the loud business of your life falls silent you'll give yourself the time to sit and truly think to yourself. Think over your life, over your toxic family and the things that hurt you. You'll think of all of the reasons you don't want to be here so often until not being here is the only thing you can think about.

There will be so many things you won't tell anyone. Things you won't even say out loud because you feel as if not acknowledging them will make them go away and the memory of them disappear.

You won't ever fully trust anyone, no matter how much you want to and you'll feel a constant guilt for it.

Thousands of things you'd do differently will play in your mind. Teasing and taunting you because you know you can't change the past.

You'll be hurting so much inside that the only way you can distract yourself is to make yourself hurt on the outside too.

You'll lock away your emotions the best you can because you know that the way you feel will hurt and offend the people you love and you don't have the heart to hurt them with your pain.

Sometimes you'll feel so lost and out of control that you think hurting yourself is the only way you can control something because YOU are deciding how you hurt. YOU decide where and YOU decide when...but you don't. Because it will trap you. And you won't be able to stop.

When it finally dawns on you that you're not okay, you'll spend months as another person. You'll be someone else but no one will notice.

You'll leave school early because even though you're surrounded by people you'll feel empty and alone.

When you go home you'll cry. You'll cry and cry until your eyes are swollen but when someone asks you'll say you have hay fever.

Even when you move into the dorms, you'll shut yourself away unless Ei chills with you or makes you socialise.

You'll feel okay again for a month and a half and just when you've convinced yourself you're better, it'll come back. It'll come back and you'll be right back at the square one.

In the beginning you'll realise that everyone around you is emotionally fragile. You'll understand that everyone has their own issues to deal with and you'll decide never to share yours with them because they need someone who is mentally stable in their lives. They need consistency and as far as you're concerned, you're one of those people.

You'll feel as if you speaking to anyone is selfish and as if your emotions will be a hindrance.

Your best friend will be depressed and suffer from anxiety.

You won't know how to help him and it will make you feel like absolute shit.

You'll realise why you are the way you are.

You'll crave an unrealistic love because you have a fear of being left behind.

You'll push away real people because you know they'll never live up to your unrealistic standards and you'll throw your consciousness into a world of fantasy, getting attached to fictional characters because you know that in your mind they won't leave you. They won't die and if they do in cannon you can reimagine them in an AU where they don't.

You'll fall in love with people who don't exist because you can assure yourself they won't hurt you, except for when you realise that they're not real and whatever emotions your feeling are invalid and you'll feel incredibly lonely.

You'll accept your anxiety and know that your family is your trigger. You'll realise that you shouldn't have been so calm growing up and probably should've lashed out more rather than bottling your emotions because you'll know that if you did that you would've gotten help a lot sooner and probably be a lot less fucked up.

You'll be adamant about not seeking professional help because you won't want your parents to find out and feel as if they've failed.

And so you'll turn to online anonymous talk apps to share your stories with strangers who feel just as hurt as you and try to feel less alone. When you get logged out you'll have a panic attack because you've lost your only support system. But you'll still go to the lounge smiling, playing video games with the guys every once in a while so that no one knows anything is wrong.

On dad's anniversaries you won't be able to cry at the grave, so you'll cry in your room alone and pray that the world pauses.

There will be so many things that go wrong in your life. It will be a series of unfortunate events.

And then as you sit in your room on the 2nd of February 2021, you'll decide to write this diary because you promised your best friend. In hopes that they'll give it a try too.

The first chapter barely skimming the surface of everything that makes you wish you weren't here.

-(Y/N) ~ 2/2/21