Moonchild

Sixty Eight

Even with me offering to listen and help him decompress from having so much heaviness land on his heart today, my sweet Aurie stubbornly refused to open up about his tears... And that left us with nothing else to do but let Aurie finally smoke before heading downstairs to where we are now...

It's been hard staying silent while he smoked and finished letting out their tears... Our connection shockingly silent while Aurie kept my mind at bay to keep his thoughts to himself... But I'm trying hard to give them the space they need in order to feel okay again... If feeling okay is even possible when you don't feel one hundred percent safe...

It hurts me to know that Aurie is hurting... And I don't know what else i can do other than what we're already doing... But as I watch my sweet mate push around the food currently on their plate I can't help but wish there was something more I could do...

Even if it's just making Aurie's weed a  little bit stronger so their munchies are actually munchies and they actually eat what's on their plate instead of just pushing it around with a fork...

...

Aurie

...

It's not the most comfortable sitting out here at the table... Even with Lukas and Cricket sitting so close to help me feel safer... Part of me wants to blame the presence of Sunshine at the table that's putting me off of the yummy looking dinner Jack went through the trouble of making but I know that that wouldn't be fair to Sunshine... Or anyone else here at the table with us...

The meal looks good... It's a simple one... A quick one Jack whipped up after tucking away the pulled pork he had gotten ready for the cookout we were meant to have to celebrate Sunshine's presence here... Baked fish with asparagus and broccoli and a few lemon wedges each...

It's a nice meal and instead of eating it, I'm just dragging the bits and pieces around while avoiding making any kind of eye contact with Jack so he doesn't notice and get offended that I've played with more bites than actually eaten them...

I don't mean to sulk... I don't mean to seem down or sour... I know that acting this way is only having the opposite effect I want it to have... I know that slouching down in my chair and being quiet is only making everyone else more nervous because none of them know what to say to make things feel okay again...

But I'm not sure it really can be okay again...

Not when it feels like I've already somehow managed to mess things up again... And so soon...

I thought at the beginning of all of this that I would just get to have an interesting experience away from campus... Cricket had promised me sun, a little snow, and a lot of fresh mountain air...

I never imagined that the mate I knew I would find here would actually want me... I thought that I would get rejected and that if it were a lower-ranking wolf I'd be free to just mind my business and stay out of their way...

I never imagined that Lukas was that Alpha of the pack... And that he would want me... I didn't know that he would actually want me by his side as his Luna or that this place would feel like home so quickly... But once I did... It took me a few days to adjust and wrap my head around the fact that I didn't just suddenly have a family... I had a home...

And now I'm about to not have any of it... None of it at all...

Because instead of treating my vacation strictly like a vacation and spent my time unwinding here on the farm I somehow managed to think it was a good idea to leave the farm and go to the boutique opening... And then Lukas and I ended up going out in the middle of the night with no security right after that...

I had made so many stupid decisions over the last couple of days... It feels like each and every single mistake has taken the time to personally tie a knot in my stomach... All of the different knots now tied so tightly in place that they're competing for room and ruining my appetite...

I wish I could have thought things through better... I wish I would have taken the time to really explain to Lukas what me being on the farm actually meant and still means...

I wish I could have gotten my point across without having waited so long that now I have a perfect example of the ways I might end up inconveniencing the pack currently playing out as we sit here all around the table... Some poor pack members currently having their paws get cold as they patrol the perimeter of the territory... All for the sake of keeping me safe... Something they wouldn't have to worry about if I wasn't here...

...

Lukas

...

"How is your ankle, Sweetie?" When Ma breaks the silence currently happening around the table both Cricket and Jack jump at how sudden her voice seems... The smile she offers them gentle before turning her attention back to Aurie... A small apology floating over to them silently I'm sure...

At first, I have no idea if my beautiful mate actually has it in themselves to answer... The exhaustion so clear on my Aurie's face that I'm almost wondering if maybe they weren't as up for dinner as I thought they were... The pallor of my mate's face so disconcerting that all I want to do is pull them into my lap and hold them until the pain of everything stops finally...

"I-It's okay... I smoked... I'm... I'll be... I'll... I'll be..." I'm so proud of Aurie at first for working up the courage I know it takes for them to actually respond to Mom when I know know that the word "mother" is still connected to so many negative feelings for Aurie... Only to find myself alarmed and concerned when the fork my mate had been holding clatters down to the plate it had been dancing over, a fresh batch of tears erupting as Aurie shoves his chair back and makes to leave the room... A sad trail of "E-Excuse me"s leaving my distressed Mates's mouth as we all sit slack-jawed watching them go... My body feeling frozen to the spot as I try to convince my feet to move... If only to make sure that Aurie doesn't trip and fall and hurt the ankle I know is already causing trouble...