Moonchild

Sixty Six

It hadn't taken long for my sweet Bean to let me know that the pen wasn't giving him enough relief... The way my Angel looked up at me and asked so sweetly if I would bring him his bag of stuff making me scramble off the bed quicker than I even knew I could move with blankets still twisted around my legs... The way I ended up nearly tripping myself eliciting the most adorable chuckle that brings color to my cheeks... 

My Cutie's stash bag coming in the form of what kind of looks like the same kind of bag that he keeps his makeup and bathroom stuff in, this one being pink with gold spots all over it... Aurie's favorite color maybe one of the most charming things about my sweet mate... The contents inside of the bag itself somehow coming off as adorable due to their color scheme instead of really looking like functional weed supplies... Though that might just be because of the... the A-Aegyo? That Rie was explaining to me that they enjoy so much... The cuteness of it all matching my Sweet One perfectly...  The grinder that gets pulled out the softest of pinks, a heart engraved on the top, and watching my sweet mate concentrate so carefully as he loads it up all bundled up and comfortable on the bed makes me melt just the tiniest bit inside...

 The flush that fills my Sweetheart's cheeks when he notices me staring at him after climbing back into bed causing me to make him set down the tiny stash jar he was in the process of closing up again so I can steal a kiss from the soft lips I love so much... The tender moment extending itself when my Cutie kisses me back taking the comfort that they need right now without shame just like they should be still so emotional and hurting... My hands offering themselves up for helping Aurie roll, the pack of papers and mini rolling tray being taken out and passed to me, along with a bundle of tips so I can get it ready while Aurie grinds the herb that got packed into the grinder... 

...

Aurie

...

Having Lukas watch me do something I've only ever really done in front of Cricket and by myself feels a bit strange... But the thought never crosses my mind to ask him to leave... My own thoughts of possibly packing up and leaving so that way I don't end up burdening the pack with trying to keep me safe pushed to the back of my mind so he doesn't sense my remaining unease or undecidedness... I don't want him to worry...

Not that he isn't worried anyway over what happened today... I caught it floating through his head a few different times when drifting in and out of my nap earlier, and I'm still not sure what to say to tell him that it isn't his fault that that reported showed up after figuring it out... And that it likely would have happened anyway... That it's my fault for not telling him that normally when Cricket and I are away from school that we have security so people can't get too close... I had assumed that he had understood and that we didn't have anything to worry about here with the reservation being so set apart from the city... Hell, even from the small towns that border the edge of the territory... In the end... Today was my fault... And I don't know how to express that in a way Lukas will actually accept... So I try and keep my thoughts to myself for now, even with his consciousness brushing mine so very fondly with how attentive he feels at the moment... 

I'm aware that the only thing he's really concerned with is my wellbeing and making sure that I know I'm loved and wanted here... But he doesn't understand just how tired everyone is going to get of having to function differently every time me and Cricket come home... And he doesn't get that eventually he'll need to have security himself, even as an Alpha, the longer that we're together and the more we get seen together... Me being here puts the whole pack at an even greater risk than if it was just Cricket coming here on breaks... Not that his fans aren't just as aggressive... Just that it would be less of a draw to only have one or the other of us here at one time... 

Shaking my head to clear the thoughts away so I don't start stressing over them doesn't necessarily work... But I know that if I continue down the same path of knowing what I should do that I'll end up crying and giving myself away before I have a chance to really accept that I shouldn't be here... And that I never should have let myself get comfortable here... 

As much as it hurts... I know it's true... Because how many times did they tell me I wouldn't ever really belong anywhere because of my coloring... That I'm bad luck and too strange to ever really be loved properly like everyone else, even if Lukas is trying so hard to... 

...

Lukas

...

I had torn my eyes away from Aurie just long enough to focus on rolling after being handed the grinder just long enough to have dumped the contents of it onto the tray only to look back up and realize that my Angel has tears streaming silently down their face, the expression I find as they are released completely blank and filled with pain at the same time and suddenly rolling the joint that I was about to roll is no longer important, everything in my hands being set on the tray, the tray itself leaving my lap to rest on the nightstand... My precious mate being pulled into my lap, my hand finding their snowy white hair to stoke it as I rock us back and forth just in the slightest, all of my whispers asking what's wrong being ignored in favor of one of the most desperate clings that Rie has ever given me... My heart hurting not knowing how to fix everything that has gone wrong today or how to soothe the anxiety that's cropped up in us both over it...

All I can do right now is be here and make sure that Aurie knows that it's okay to cry... That it's okay to be frustrated and scared and irritated...

  That I'll always be right by their side so they don't ever have to face any of it alone...