His Leave (z.s.)

December 24 2014 (2)

*later that same night*

The boys had made it to the venue where the TV special was being recorded. They sat backstage, just hearing the crowd roar made Zayn think back to the last tour.

It was much more...happy. For him at least. He just felt like he brought the whole mood down, but at the same time, he had no desire to do much more than he had to.

Louis: "you boys ready?"

Harry: "I'm really excited, it's been a few months"

Niall: "I'm excited to see who's actually listened to the album and knows the lyrics already"

Zayn: "it'll be a lot Ni, they love you."

Liam: "they love us all Z, now come on, we've got a show to put on"

Hearing the crowd scream was one of the things Zayn felt most connected to when it came to being a performer.

What he hated about his job was the anxiety that coursed through him every single time he felt a million eyes on him. It was horrifying to him. He never really asked for the fame he was given, and one day it all changed so fast that he couldn't say no.

He performed through the show aimlessly. Just getting by. He made sure his notes sounded effortless but, they were far from it. He was hungry. He was tired. He wanted to go home.

Harry started to notice and gave him a look of sympathy during Little Things, dropping the word 'weigh' when his verse came around like always.

He didn't want his fans to think he didn't wanna be there. He did. He loved them more than anyone he's ever loved, and he knew they could tell something was off. He knew they could tell he was slimming down by the second. But he didn't want them to think it was because of them.

So he tried his best to keep up with the "pop star" image he was handed, despite how tired and anxious he got.

**after the show**

Once they were secluded again, Z let out the biggest sigh of relief. He felt a tad bit more at ease, especially when he felt Harry's soft hand on his lower back.

Harry: "babe?"

Zayn took a swig out of his water bottle and glanced back at him to show him he was paying attention.

Harry: "I'm not even gonna ask if you're okay cause I know you'll lie and say you are...but I know you better than anyone. You're not okay Z."

Zayn: "I'm just anxious, you know how I get"

Harry: "but you just looked so...I dunno...sad. All fucking night babe."

Zayn: "I can't be the perfect pop star like you bub! It's not me! I'm fucking sorry okay?!"

Harry knew he pushed it too far, especially when his anxiety levels were this high, and that's why he snapped.

Harry: "I didn't mean it like that and you know it..."

Zayn: "I just want to go home"

Harry: "I know, come on let's go."

Zayn: "no Harry, I want to go home."

Harry knew what he meant. He wanted to go back home for real. To his mom and his sisters. To his girlfriend Perrie. He wanted to be home.

Harry: "oh"

Zayn: "I'm just so tired and anxious all the fucking time, I can't ever catch a break and now it's affecting my fans! I wanna go home!"

Harry: "then go then...who's stopping you z...why don't you just fucking go?!"

Harry went to turn around, his eyes were full of tears and he really didn't know why he'd gotten so upset. Zayn had snapped at him way worse before, but something about this conversation just felt wrong.

Zayn: "stop, I don't want you to cry."

He grabbed his hand and tried to turn him back around toward him.

Harry: "I'm not."

He yanked his hand from Zayn's grip and fully turned away. Wiping the tears from his eyes.

Zayn: "babe come on"

Harry: "I'll look at flights and book you one for tomorrow morning."

On that note Harry left. He walked outside toward the car and shoveled himself in between Niall and Louis. Making Liam sit in the back with Zayn when he came out.

Z rubbed his face in anger. Unsure of exactly what to do. He felt so damn conflicted. He loved Harry, more than anything but he needed a break. Not from him, but from everything.

He moped his way to the car and huffed when he saw that Harry squeezed in between Niall and Louis.

Once they'd gotten back to their place, Harry let Zayn open the door for him, but he walked in without a thought. Putting his things down and walking straight upstairs to shower.

Zayn heard the water and let a few tears slip. He never liked making him cry, he always felt so fucking terrible afterwards.

So he went upstairs and pushed the cracked door open, he took off his clothes and slid in the shower behind Harry.

He was washing his face under the warm water when he felt Zayn's hands on his love handles.

Zayn: "hey bubba"

Harry: "hey"

Zayn: "can we talk?"

Harry: "you said what you needed to say Z, it's fine."

Zayn: "turn around and look at me please"

Harry did, not wanting to put up a fight anymore. He'd given up.

Zayn: "you know I don't wanna leave you, that's not what this shit is about."

Harry: "but that's what it makes me feel Z, it makes me feel like you not only want a break from this, but a break from me."

Harry let his eyes well up again, this time letting a tear slip down his cheek. Again, he didn't wanna put up a fight, way too tired to do so.

Zayn: "baby don't cry, please. It makes me feel so fucking terrible."

Harry: "I can't help it...so fuck off. I'll look at flights while you finish."

He got out of the shower, leaving Zayn in there with tears now pooling his eyes. He didn't know how to make him feel different about the situation, cause he couldn't see it from his point of view.