Permission to Love

Chapter Five

Kathryn walks up the long stairway to her bedroom with exhaustion and a shocked, unresponsive presence about her. She still has yet to comprehend that, by next month, she will be standing at an altar saying 'I do' to a man she barely knows, much less loves. She walks over to her bay window and sits down to stare out at the moon but instead something catches her eye from below.

A smile suddenly takes over Kathryn's face as all the pain and hurt she was feeling suddenly seems to disappear. She knows things aren't any better, her situation is still the same and she is still engaged to a man she barely knows, but just knowing that the blue eyed boy she loves so much is standing outside her window, well, that seems to make everything feel okay, at least for this one small moment in time. 

She quickly throws on a pair of blue jeans, ties her hair up into a loose pony tail and stuffs her pillows beneath her covers to give the illusion of a body before opening her window and making her escape. She begins to make her way down the lattice work outside her house and jumps onto the level ground before running towards the large forest area where she had seen James. "Jamie?" She begins walking further into the woods and calls his name once again. "Jamie? Where are you?" She steps over a branch and sees him sitting down on a stump just a few feet away. Her eyes fill with tears once again as she sees his swollen cheek and bruised eye. She covers her mouth and rushes over to him as tears begin to fall from her eyes once again. "Jamie..." She kneels down in front of him and gently touches his face with her hand. "He did this to you?"

He nods and groans as he tries to sit up straighter. "Yeah...the warning was a little more aggressive than last time."

She looks at him with a slightly confused expression. As far as she knows, his warning last time was just her father's harsh words and serious meaning. She saw the few bruises on his face in the days to come but he had told her it was from the streets and she believed him. She never honestly thought that her father would do something like this. She stares back at him as her heart aches for him and she speaks softly. "The bruises you had a couple months ago...they weren't from the streets, were they?"

He shakes his head and looks down at his legs as she continues to hold his hand. 

She stares back at him with pained eyes as tears continue to flow from her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shrugs and focuses his attention back on Katherine's tear stricken face. "It's not a big deal, Kat." He takes her hands with a sweet smile and speaks softly. "I would walk through fire for you. This..." He points to his face with a laid back smirk. "...this is nothing."

She shakes her head and lowers it in sadness. The man sitting in front of her was sent from heaven and she has been treating him like hell. He is sweet, and caring, and beautiful, and he doesn't deserve this. He deserves to be loved and cared for and treated with respect. Kathryn wants to do all of those things for him, she wants to love him but her family will not allow her love for him. They won't allow her to be that someone for him, but that was what he deserves, so she knows she needs to let go. She needs to let him find someone who will be everything he needs and love him with everything she has. She looks up at him and begins wiping a few tears from her face before placing both her hands gently on either side of his face. She speaks with a soft voice as her heart fills with pain for what she's about to do. 

James smiles and places his hands on Kathryn's waist, starring at her with eyes full of love and a heart filled with happiness. "I love you so much, Kathryn Lexington."

Her eyes begin to tear again as her face turns to sadness once again, causing James to stare back at her with concern. "Letting you go is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do and I just...I..." Her hushed voice trails off as James interrupts.

"You don't have to let go...ever." He shakes his head as the concern remains in his eyes. He leans forward, despite the pain and puts his forehead against Kathryn's. 

She closes her eyes and nods gently, not bothering to force back the tears now falling freely. "Yes...I do. I have to let go because you, James Andrews, you deserve far better than anything I could give you. I am letting you go because when you love someone but you realize that by loving them, you're keeping them from the life they deserve; you let them go. You let them go and you believe that while they are finding the life they deserve, you will find happiness as well, in time...after your heart has healed." She rubs her thumb along his cheek bone with a small smile and keeps reminding herself that what she's doing is all for him. By doing this; she's taking away all those bruises on his face, she's giving him a happy future and a life free from prejudices. She's giving him everything he deserves, while breaking her own heart into unrecognizable pieces.

He shakes his head viciously as his own eyes being to fill with tears. "No. No, I won't let you. Don't you see, Kat? You are my life. You are everything I deserve, everything I want," he kisses her briefly on the lips, "everyting I need. All I need is you, forever...and ever...and ever..." He kisses her between each pause before wrapping her in his arms and hoping that by doing this he's keeping her with him. 

She can feel herself giving in but she slowly begins to shake her head. She gently pushes him away and rises to stand on her feet. She wipes a few of her tears as he holds onto her spare hand, not planning on letting go. "I'm marrying Xander."

His eyes widen slightly as the pain on his body becomes completely masked by the pain now throbbing through his heart. He shakes his head, unable to speak or make sense out of what she is doing.

She pulls her hand from his grasp and looks at him with seriousness as she speaks in a voice just above a whisper. "I am letting you go...you need to do the same."

"I won't." He stands up and ignores the pain shooting through his body once again. He steps forward so he is standing directly in front of her before speaking in a harsh tone. "I won't! You may be able to make decisions for yourself but you sure as hell don't make decisions for me or my heart! I love you and it doesn't matter the things we have to overcome or the people we have to lie to in order to be together because I would do all of that and more if it meant that there was even a shred of hope of us possibly being together some time in the future. Fuck society! Fuck their stupid standards! I love you and the only thing that matters is that you love me back."

She can feel the heat rise to her face as she prepares herself for what she's about to say and the pain she's about to cause. "I've been sleeping with Xander. Our parents set us up weeks ago and it just happened...I'm sorry." She keeps her eyes glued to the ground and forces the words out even though it was the hardest thing she's ever had to do. "I'm not the person you think I am, I never was."

"You're lying." He says immediately and she looks up at him with tears streaming down her face while she gains the strength to continue pushing him.

"I realize that I can't live my life the way you do, James. I need financial stability and Alexander can give me everything I need. I'm sorry that I lied to you." 

He steps away and shakes his head before laughing bitterly. "Stop it, Kat. Why are you doing this?!" He shouts angrily while she grimaces at the sound of frustration falling from his lips. 

"I'm just trying to be honest with you." She whispers softly while James continues to shake his head and begins pacing.

"You're lying is what you're doing. There's no way you screwed that cockatoo in an Armani suit! And there's no way you would ever go through with that wedding!" He stops his pacing and steps towards Kathryn with determination. He takes her face in hands and quickly pulls her lips to his, kissing her fervently despite the pain running through his body. He pulls away as their chests move in and out while they try desperately to catch their breath. "You love me, I know you do."

She keeps her eyes glued to the ground before gaining the strength to look him the eyes and speaks with as much distance as possible. "Looks like I played this game a little too well."

He slowly begins backing away and lowers his hands from her face. He keeps his eyes glued to hers as his heart feels as though it may bust at any second. "You'll come back to me, I know you will because you know as well as I do that you don't need your parent's permission to love."