Permission to Love

Chapter Eighteen

Alexander follows after her, unsure of what to say or do. The situation is complicated, to say the least and he isn’t sure how to make any of it better for Kathryn but he knows he has to try.

“What are you thinking?” He asks softly as she rounds up the plates and carries them into the kitchen.

“I’m thinking I was stupid to believe that this could work, that us living together and pretending to be one big happy family could benefit Jaelyn rather than harm her.” She shakes her head and makes her way over to the sink to begin scrubbing down the cake pan, her hands moving so fast Alexander is starting to wonder if she will burn a hole right through the stainless steel. “What was I thinking?!” She shouts in frustration and continues scrubbing at the cake pan as her face heats up in frustration. Alexander steps closer to her and places a hand on her back to try and ease her stress.

“You were just trying to give Jaelyn the best life possible. You did what you thought was right at the time and no one can fault you for that.”

Kathryn drops the pan into the sudsy water and steps away from Alexander’s touch. “I did what I thought was right at the time.” She repeats, putting emphasis on the word time as she runs her hands through her thick brown locks. “Well, that time has come and gone. Jackson was right, we are just playing house. We’re playing a continuous game of house that has no explanation! We’re comfortable, Xander! I’m comfortable!”

“And that’s a bad thing?” Alexander questions, trying to understand.

“It’s bad when I get comfortable lying to my own daughter and make her believe that you’re her father.” Her voice comes out softly and she nearly cringes at the sight of Alexander’s heartbreaking expression. She lowers her head to avoid his eye contact and whispers softly, “I’m sorry.” She turns around so her back is to him and takes a few steps towards the swinging door. “I didn’t mean for that to come out so harshly but you’re not Jaelyn’s father and she deserves to know the truth.”

Alexander tries his best to ignore the pain flowing through his veins at Kathryn’s harsh reality but he could feel his tone becoming angered. “Tell me, Kathryn, how do you define a father? Because I love that girl more than my own life and I would do anything for her!” He shouts and Kathryn jumps slightly before turning to face him. She has never heard him so angry before and she immediately regrets saying those words. “Biology or not, Jaelyn is my daughter and I’m not saying she can’t know the truth but don’t you dare make me feel lesser because she doesn’t share my DNA!” He takes a breath after stating his opinion and closes his eyes for a moment to let the anger pass. “I’m sorry,” he whispers regretfully and Kathryn shakes her head for a moment.

“No,” she blubbers quietly, “you’re right. You’ve been so good to us and I was out of line. Jaelyn is so lucky to have you.” She allows her eyes to fall on him once again because she knows in her heart how much the next words mean, whether her head wants to admit it or not. “We both are.”

Alexander feels as if everything is perfect for that one moment, it doesn’t matter the circumstances or the fact that nothing is right but just hearing her say the words gives Alexander the strongest illusion that nothing bad can happen because she feels that way. Maybe he is getting his hopes up - he knows he is getting his hopes up, but it’s what he does and it makes the fall all the more painful. “Just tell me what you need me to do.” He begs and closes the gap between them to take her hands in his, the slightest touch making his heart race instantly. “I just want you to be happy, Kat…I’ll do anything for that.” He removes one of his hands from her grasp and reaches up to move a strand of hair from her tear streaked face. She immediately leans her head into the palm of her hand and feels her heart breaking before she even speaks the words.