Permission to Love

Chapter Nineteen

That night Kathryn finds it nearly impossible to drift into a peaceful sleep. She tosses and turns until her body becomes so exhausted that it won't allow her to move anymore. She finally drifts off and where it takes her, she never would have guessed. She opens her eyes slowly and finds herself lying outside in the middle of a familiar forest with bright stars shining above her head. She rises to her feet and takes in her surroundings, realizing this is the last place she saw Jamie. She strains to hear something in the distance. It sounds like two voices talking back and forth, both of them struggling to form words through the sadness.

"I have to let go because you, James Andrews, you deserve far better than anything I could give you."

Kathryn picks up speed, pushing through tree limbs and jumping over scattered rocks just trying to find her way back towards the voices. It is her voice, it is Jamie's voice. She knows it's silly but deep inside, she has this hopeless hope that maybe this is her chance to make things right, this is her chance to change the past and create a better future.

"I am letting you go because when you love someone, but you realize that by loving them, you're keeping them from the life they deserve; you let them go. You let them go and you believe that while they are finding the life they deserve, you will find happiness as well, in time...after your heart has healed."

Kathryn steps out of the darkness and smiles at the sight of Jamie. He is perfect. Everything about him is just how she remembers it, not a hair out of place or a single bruise on that beautiful face of his. She takes slow steps towards him and stands before him, wondering if he can see her.

"You can't find happiness without me."

She jumps slightly when she realizes he is talking to her. A surge of electricity flies through her veins at the sight of his beautiful lips moving and speaking to her. "What?"

"Don't listen to him, Kat."

The frantic voice comes from behind her and Kathryn quickly turns around to another familiar face. "What are you doing here, Xander? You don't belong here." Slowly, she realizes she has no control over what she does or says, this is a dream and her subconscious is in control of everything. She is a prisoner inside herself, forced to sit back and watch as everything plays out in front of her.

"I belong with you," Xander insists. His voice is pleading as he takes cautious steps forward.

Kathryn finds herself turning back to Jamie as her expression turns to confusion. "What is he doing here? This is our place. You belong here, not him."

Jamie's smile is pure and calm, a vast difference from the fear now rising in Xander's eyes. He slowly reaches forward and takes her hands in his. Instead of holding them at peace, he begins pulling. He wants her to come with him, but all she sees is darkness behind him. She resists his pull in fear. "Come with me," he insists with a bright smile despite the dark abyss behind him.

Kathryn shakes her head, a look of fear still set deep in her dark blue orbs. "Where? There's nothing there."

"Come with me, it's what you want. We can be together forever." Kathryn continues to resist although Jamie's grip is growing tighter and more forceful.

"Stay with me, Kat." Xander's soft voice pleads from behind Kathryn as his hand falls gently on her shoulder. "Let go and we can have a future. All of us." Kathryn glances over her shoulder to find that someone has joined them; Jaelyn is perched in Xander's arms with a bright smile on her perfect face. She sees nothing but the light around them, a beautiful blue, cloudless sky behind them and hope drenching from every word he speaks.

She shakes her head, tears now building in her eyes. "How could I ever betray Jamie?"

"Jamie's gone, Kat."