The Story Doesn't End With the Book

The quartet of chaos and sharing insecurities

River, October 2020

It's, what, the fourth meeting? Maybe fifth, I'm not sure. We're at a park today, it's actually super sunny and warm, surprisingly. 

"Hey, Ash." I greet Asher who's just arrived. I never thought I'd be friends with Maryn's school people, but here we are. Throughout the times we hang out together, we get closer and closer. Ayla, Asher, Maryn and I. The quartet of chaos and sharing insecurities. 

"Hi. What's up?" He sits down beside me. 

"Nothing, honestly. You expect me to have a life? Wow, such high hopes." I raise my eyebrows and fall back on the grass. The sky is pleasantly blue, and free of clouds. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to tell the time of the year based on the colour of the sky. I have way to many 'wonderings' swirling around in my head. 

"Ha. How's school?" Asher takes out his infamous sharpie and continues the knee tattoo he's been giving himself. I still don't understand why he does it, it's clearly bad for him. 

"Oh, you know, the usual. I give death glares to everyone, and no one talks to me." I lift my neck up to squint at him. 

"Really? I'm so surprised, you seem like a really approachable person." He says sarcastically. 

I shrug and lie down again, placing my hands over my eyes. "Eh, not like I need friends anyway." 

That's a lie, and I know it. The truth is that I'm very sensitive. I act all tough and sarcastic, but that's not how I really feel. I'm lonely a lot, actually. I have no siblings or friends in my neighbourhood. Sure, I see Maryn sometimes, and Carra and Lillie at school. But because of covid, I hardly do anything anymore. To make things worse, my aunt lives with my parents and I; she has been for the last year and a half. 

It wasn't a problem, until she started trying to control my life at the beginning of the pandemic. She's always going on about being healthy, going out for walks, and eating something other than nutella and toast. What do you want me to do! Apologize for having bad mental health? No! It's not my fault that I feel like this. I can't just turn on a switch and be happy. 

You know what is easy though? Acting. Pretending I'm okay. Sarcasm is awesome, it makes everyone think I'm a coldblooded badass. If only they knew...

"Hey guys." Ayla says, as she and Maryn walk up to us and sit down on the grass. 

"Wow, I didn't realize it was going to be this warm," Maryn says as she takes off her sweater. 

"You always overdress though. So prepared." I shake my head. From my angle on the grass, everyone looks like their heads are floating in the sky. 

"So, what have you got for us today, Maryn?" Asher looks up from his knee, and then goes right back to it. He was very shy at first, but over time, as we hang out more together, he talks more and more. 

Ayla's a different story. She hardly talks at all, and when she does, it's these deep philosophical things that I can't even begin to understand. 

"Oh, nothing much. We can just hang out for a bit, I'll ask questions later. I don't want to feel like I'm your therapist or something." She waves her hand, then drops it to feel the grass. Probably looking for rare rocks or something. She's always looking for rocks. Anywhere we are that's outdoors and not man made. 

We talk for a while, sharing stories about school, and other things going on in our lives. I'm a little louder and energetic than usual, which actually means I'm having a somewhat bad day. I mean, not bad in the sense that my world has literally collapsed, but...I'm lonely and afraid. Afraid of myself. Of being vain and selfish, and only thinking of myself. 

A lot of the time, I feel sorry for myself, but then realize that people in other countries are dying from famine and sickness, while I'm here moping about my feelings. Life is so unfair. 

"It's at least better than how I felt in May of last year." Asher says. I didn't catch who he was replying to, but it sounds like an interesting conversation. 

"What do you mean, Asher?" Maryn slowly takes out a notebook, and pen, the sign for 'I'm recording this for my project'. 

"I was surprised that everything was being cancelled. I didn't know what was going to happen next. That scared me I think. I'm the type of person who wants to know what's going on. Like, to the extent where I need to know what I'm eating for breakfast the next morning before I go to bed. It's kind of weird, but it definitely affected my mood last May."

Asher rubs his palm over the ink on his knee, inspecting it for possible mistakes. It's curious, what he said. Usually, artistic people are the ones who love spontaneous things; never planning ahead. I guess Asher isn't the type to fit in one box. I like that about him. Ayla too, actually. They both don't fit into stereotypes. 

"I'd say something similar, but different." Ayla says. "I was surprised, like Asher said, but instead of wanting to know everything that was happening in the real world, I took to fictional worlds. I would spend hours dreaming up new fantasy places and put myself in them, to escape reality. It was definitely unhealthy, but it was my coping mechanism."

She sits back on her hands and looks up at the sky, "I was floating. But when you're in a fictional paradise, it's only a matter of time before the walls crumble and you find yourself in your room, on earth, in the middle of a pandemic."

Ayla, realizing how much she just shared, rubs one of her hands down her face and sighs. "Sorry, that probably sounded like a load of nonsense to you."

"Not at all." I speak up, not entirely sure why. "I totally get it." 

Of course I do. I'm an expert at pretending. 

"River?" Maryn rubs her pen in her hair, then goes back to writing rapidly, "Anything you want to share before my hand falls off?"

"Uh, well, I don't know. I guess I felt the same way, sort of. I felt lonely, but I tried to...suck it up? I don't know if that's the best way to put it. But I recognized that my problems weren't the end of the world, and that I should be grateful for what I do have. I have so much. And I shouldn't break down when I can't see my friends or something. But I did. Still do, sometimes. I'm ashamed of it, actually, because I'm so lucky."

I pick at the leftover pieces of nail polish that are on my nails from a few weeks ago. Surprisingly, I feel a lot better after saying that. 

"Yes, I agree." Asher says, "I knew my problems weren't the end of the world, but honestly, they felt like it. I definitely had some self-pity sessions." 

It seems so daunting to share how you feel with real live people. Our generation is so used to doing things without actually practicing social skills. It helps to have friends that will listen, and won't laugh at you. I trust Maryn's new friends. I mean, I trust her, so I trust her judgement in friends. They're great people, I can tell. 

It wasn't as scary as I thought to share my thoughts with them. I guess I just needed to find the right people to share them with.