The Story Doesn't End With the Book

Graduation was cancelled but I don't really care

Maryn, June 2020

"Did you see where the box with my 2018 rocks are?" I yell to Lara, who's halfway down the stairs. 

"No." she yells back, "I'm not surprised though, you have like, at least 4 boxes from 2018."

We're cleaning out my room. For some reason, she and I have decided it might be nice to share a room for the summer. She's going into grade eleven, and I'm going into grade nine. We both want to make the most of the time we have left together before she moves out. Also, my imaginative mind went straight to Little Women and how nice their sisterly relationships are.

She gave me one condition. I'm only allowed to bring one box of rocks into her room. The agony! How am I supposed to have just one box of rocks with me!

You may be wondering why the hell we decided it was a good idea to share a room. For one, her room is at least two and a half times bigger than mine, which gives us plenty of room each. Second...we're getting along really well. I'm not sure what kind of magic dust hit us, but suddenly we're each others best friends. 

She told me that I couldn't bring my bed frame in, either. That's not a problem, though. I love sleeping on the ground in a tent, so sleeping with my mattress on the floor won't bother me. 

Also, now I can use my old room as a sort of rock display/ school space. Lara made me promise to give her half of the room, but since she's gone into her minimalist phase, I don't think she'll actually use it. 

I finish bringing the last of my rocks off various shelves and putting them away...for now. Sadly, this weekend I'll have to get rid of a bunch of them. 

I sigh and flop onto the mattress in Lara's - and my - new room. 

What has my life come to? Lying down and contemplating the fate of the universe? No. Definitely not. I'm not sure where that last thought came from. I think I'm spending too much time by myself. 

Lately, I have no motivation to talk to anyone. It's scary, and sad. Especially for my friends. Who said they deserve this? I'll purposely ignore their calls. I do spend time with Lara. But it's not...the same, I guess. Since I live in the same house as her. Our relationship requires hardly any effort. The effort it takes to talk to people is just too much.

And to think, I used to be so extraverted. I'm turning into a hermit crab. 

...

"Look Mar, I don't know when you're going to realize this, but you can't just sit around all day." Lara grabs me by the shoulders, her greenish brown eyes looking at me. 

Last week we finished setting up our room. It's the second last week of June, and I've slipped. I'm not sure how to differentiate the good from the bad. The things worth my time versus the other things. 

"Shut up. I know I suck. Just leave me alone." I say, lying back down on my bed. 

She hits my shoulder lightly, "You're the genius who wanted to live in the same room as me. I'm not going to just 'leave you alone' when your negative energy is seeping everywhere."

Right. So maybe I thought it was a great idea to move in to her room. 

"I'm not asking you to resurrect a dead bunny. I'm just asking you to find something to do. That makes you happy. Something to work towards." She waves her hands, and I appreciate the sincerity. So I guess I'll try. 

I ponder the thought of starting a blog about my rocks, quickly diminishing the idea after realizing that probably no one even cares about my rocks anyway. 

I grab a piece of paper, and write:

Three reasons to get yourself together. 

1: For your friends/ family

2: You're going to high school in a couple months!

3: I have no other reasons but three bullet points are better than two

I come to the conclusion that usually when I write things down, it's easier to understand. And work through. 

My creative process is interrupted when Lara looks over my shoulder. "That's what I'm talking about! Now, you need to find something to do about it."

"I was getting to that, before you interrupted my thoughts..."

She walks away, leaving me by myself. A journal. I'll start a journal, and write down everything that comes to mind. If I write it down, I can sort through the crap and find out what I actually want in life. A great plan, really. 

Lara's right. I'm not going to sit around doing nothing. I've been thinking a lot about the permanence of life. Rather, how impermanent it is. People are very fragile these days. As soon as I say something like that, at least one person will accuse me of being 'depressed'.

I'm not. I mean it. I have my moments, sure, but doesn't everyone?

...

Graduation. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic. Today we had an online call, and let me tell you it was weird. Hardly anyone even talked. Now I'm overthinking a lot of things. 

I rushed this year. I knew that, but I thought I was rushing it for a reason. So that I could get somewhere. Now that I'm not anywhere, it feels like a waste. I realized today that I'm not going to see very many of these people, ever again. The people I grew up with for 8 years. Just gone. My mom had a point, I should have savoured the time I had. 

"Maryn, what the hell are you doing?" Lara bursts into our room, and throws her hands up in the air. 

"What do you mean?" I'm on my bed with my laptop open. I decided to do some research on this really cool cave that I want to visit this summer. 

"My wifi just completely stopped working. Are you streaming anything?" 

Ah, so it's the wifi. These are the types of first world problems that happen nowadays. 

"No, I was just looking something up. I'll stop if you want. I've been meaning to go outside for a walk anyway."  I say. 

One of my best traits is that I can stay calm no matter how much someone yells at me, or makes me feel stupid. I just continue with the same tone I had before. River, on the other hand....every second word is sarcastic or snarky. Maybe that's why we're friends. We balance each other out. 

"Mkay, sure." She leaves the room, and goes back to wherever she was before.

I step outside. It's really warm today, so I'm in shorts and a t-shirt. You never know with Canadian summers. Sometimes it's boiling hot, other times you need a sweater because of the wind. 

I'm excited for this summer. It's my chance to actually do something. To find who I am, and be exactly who I want to be by the end. I'll be ready for high school, and who knows? Maybe I'll get to go in person. 

I realized something this month. Life isn't forever. I need to get myself up and keep going. To discover who I am, and who I want to become. Because I have the tools to build a life I enjoy. I'm not going to sit around and do nothing. I'm going to shape my future into something I love.