The Story Doesn't End With the Book

If life was easy, what would be the point?

Asher, November 2020

"I wanted to talk about the summer." Maryn begins. 

The summer. Is it bad that I can hardly even remember what I was doing last summer? This is maybe the fifth or sixth time we've been having this 'therapy circle' as River puts it. But we've hung out many more times than that. I'd say that we're all pretty good friends now. The few people I actually talk to since the beginning of high school. 

"Summer for me was infinitely better." River comments, and folds her arms in front of her chest. We're still in Maryn's garage, but this time she's put out a portable heater, because it's snowing outside. Late November is one of my least favourite times of the year because it's dark, gloomy and cold. At least December has Christmas. 

River continues, "I was hanging out with friends and family a lot of the time. The warm weather and sunshine helped my mood a lot. Although there were still times when I felt like my problems were so first world, which made me feel guilty." 

I know so many people who would say almost exactly what River just did, minus the guilty part. Which is why I won't share what I have to say. I didn't see anyone during quarantine, or the summer. Everyone makes fun of me for it, saying that I never break the rules. I obeyed all the social distancing laws, and I hardly left home. I didn't want the fate of someone else's life on my hands. That sounds weird, I know. I guess I'm just sort of paranoid that I'm going to make someone else get covid, they're going to die and I'll never forgive myself. So I just stayed alone, by myself. 

"I was so happy to have the summer," Ayla says, "I went biking, and I just sat outside in my backyard and read, or did some drawing. It was great. I mean, I know it wasn't great for other people, but I was living in my head."

Maryn looks to me, but I shake my head a little. No one else notices except for her. I don't feel like talking today, and I hope she'll respect that. 

She turns and asks River another question. "What about just before the summer? Were you doing anything then, or was it a big change between the last month of school and the break?"

"Oh hell yeah, it was a big difference. I was totally stuck in a loop, for the majority of quarantine before the summer. I would wake up, do something useless, eat some food, read a bit, eat some more, and go back to bed. I did some school too I guess. But I would just repeat the cycle, until the summer when I started to wake up, and realize, holy crap, we're going to high school next year. So I tried to fix what I was feeling. I tried a little harder. And I think it payed off."

You see, this is how other people deal with their problems. They realize something's off, and they fix it. I think something's wrong with me. I can't seem to fix anything. I don't do anything to fix any of my problems, and they never go away. A lot of people who meet me think that I'm a very disciplined person. Which could be true, but not really. I used to have passion, to want to achieve things. Now I'm just stuck contemplating things that don't really matter. Like what if I have a family in the future. Or what if I'm dead before I can have a family. Why do I waste my time thinking about these things? Sure, I will have some control over them in the future, but I shouldn't be thinking about it yet. Everyone around me is having fun and being kids, and I can't seem to fit in with that. 

"I've been ignoring my friends." I suddenly say out loud. 

Maryn looks across at me. She's right in front of my line of vision so I can't avoid her stare. River and Ayla's conversation dies. 

"Asher?" Maryn asks me, "Do you want to talk?"

I shake my head, "No. This feels too much like a therapy circle. I'm not entirely sure why I said that." 

"Okay." 

Ayla picks up where she left off, "There were a lot of things going on in my head during the summer. I usually used methods like drawing or writing..."

I zone out. I can't believe I said that out loud. Maryn's still looking at me. She has some sort of mission to make other people feel good about themselves, and I'm sort of sick of it. Why can't I just be broken for a little while?

I wasn't lying. I haven't talked to any of my friends other than the people in front of me in at least a month. They try calling me, or asking to meet up. I never answer. I've been spending a lot of time in my dark bedroom lately. 

I look up and notice that River and Ayla are leaving. 

"Hey, if you ever want to talk, just let me know." Ayla says to me before she leaves. 

I put a hand over my face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud."

"Asher don't apologize." Maryn looks at me, and she's sincere about it, I can tell. 

I should leave, but something is telling me not to. Somehow I feel like Maryn might understand.

"I-" I sigh, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I never do anything right. It's not...I don't like how I'm living my life. There's nothing special about me. I'm not the next movie star, or the prime minister or something, so why am I here? Why am I on this Earth?"

She laughs a little. "I don't know who you think I am, but there's no way I can answer that question for you. I think that's something that needs to come from you. It's not easy, trying to find meaning in a time like this. But I think that's the whole point of living. It's not easy. If it was easy, would there even be a point?"

I stare at her. 

"Sorry, that probably made no sense." She closes her eyes and shakes her head. 

I pull my hands out of my pockets and look at them. "No. That made perfect sense. It's just kind of hard to believe that something I've been trying to figure out is right in front of me. Maybe life is the meaning. It's only important because it's hard, and it ends." I lift my head. "Thank you. Really."

Maryn nods, and I say goodbye. 

I never thought that there could be someone to affirm everything you've ever done while letting you figure it out yourself. But I guess another point of life is that you learn new things all the time.