The Story Doesn't End With the Book

An emotional rollercoaster

Maryn, August 2020

The heat of the summer is upon us. The days are long, but filled with absolutely no purpose. Sure, I do stuff. It's just not productive or satisfying. 

Staring at my ceiling once again, I call River. I need someone to talk to to remind me that this in between won't last forever. 

"Heyyy Mar, what's up?" She sounds pretty happy. 

"Mm, nothing. Oh, and let me think....nothing, nothing, more nothing..." I scratch an annoying mosquito bite and sense her mood draining. This is why I haven't been talking to anyone. Every time I say something, the mood just drops. Like a dead fly. I'm not sure why I made that comparison but that's just how it feels. 

"Come on, there must be something! Didn't you visit your grandparents?" She tries to sound cheerful but I can hear her frowning. 

"Riv you don't have to act all happy for me. I'm serious."

"Maryyyn, what's wrong? Talk to me."

I get up, and go to the window in the bedroom I share with Lara. Her view is so much nicer than mine was in my old bedroom. "I want a normal life. I want to go to high school, and have all the cliche moments, and do some stupid things that I regret. But guess what? I'm stuck here. Stuck doing nothing." I sigh and run my hand over my face, "Sorry. Sorry, you probably have lots to talk about."

I have this terrible habit of making everything about me. I feel so bad for everyone who's my friend. They probably hate me. They probably pity me, actually. They're only hanging out with me because I have no friends. 

There's a voice in the back of my head that tells me how irrational all my thoughts are, but I don't have the willpower to listen. It's much easier to lie around and feel bad for myself. 

She pauses, as if she can hear my internal rant. "No. Not really. I want to hear about you. Tell me what's wrong. I know it sucks, but maybe talking would help?"

I fold one arm behind my back, and feel it crack from the stiffness of sitting all the time. "I'll be okay. I mean yes, I've cried three times in the last week. But I'm one of those people who never cries, and when I do, I make up for all those other times and I just can't stop crying. It's probably going to pass in a few days."

It's her turn to sigh. "Okay. Well I did go on a picnic with my cousins..."

...

It's not that this summer has been bad. I've had great times, visiting with Asher at his cottage, seeing other friends and cousins, and grandparents. I've gotten to celebrate my friends' birthdays too. 

It's just the small moments that tear down all that I've tried to build.

Like last week, when we went on an impromptu hike, and somehow Lara managed to make a friend in the 5 hours that we were out. Guess who didn't have any new friends? Me. My self esteem dropped about fifty levels. 

Then there's the social media fiasco. I didn't used to have Instagram, because I didn't ever need it. But now, when there's no in person interactions with a lot of people, I got it so that I could make friends. What I've found myself doing is getting sucked into it and wasting hours scrolling through pictures of people that just make me feel worse about myself. 

See, I just don't know what to do with myself. A few weeks ago, I thought I had grown so much and that life was getting better, blah blah blah. But now? Right back where I started. Maybe even below where I started. 

When I get into these moods, it's hard to stop. When one thing triggers my sadness or anger or whatever, I get sucked into the black abyss of self pity and nothingness. I was already upset about finding out that high school is going to be less than half in person. 

Some days, I can hardly force myself out of bed. 

Even when I try to do something good for myself, like going for a walk, it makes me feel even worse. I just go off on one of my monologues about how bad of a person I am and how nothing is ever going to change. Lara's noticed. Not surprising, since she notices most things. But now she's asking me constantly if I'm okay, because I've been acting "weird". I just don't want to talk to her about it. She'll prescribe me some "girl time" or some other strange thing that will probably make me feel worse. 

The bad thing is that I'm trying so hard to not be one of those typical teenage girls who cries about everything. I don't want to be that person. But I kind of am, and that makes me question my entire existence all over again. Sometimes, I don't even know why I'm upset! It's just a wave of feelings that crushes me. 

And I try to remind myself that this will pass, but it doesn't feel like it. In the moment, it feels like the end of the world. 

...

A few days later, as promised, I'm mostly back to normal. What changed? I started to think about high school. About how in less than a month, I'm going to be in a big school, with people I've never met, and classes that are a lot harder than last year. 

But what I'm most excited about, is that I get to shape my own reputation. I can be whoever I want to be. In elementary school, I had a label. Every time people talked about me, it would be "oh, the smart girl who thinks she's too good for everyone?" or "just ask Maryn because she'll be able to tell you the answer." I've changed. I'm not that person anymore. But no one knows that, and frankly, I'm not sure they care too much to find out. 

People have so much judgement, that once they make an opinion of you, it doesn't really change. 

And I've changed so much. So much from when I was just that kid who everyone asked for homework help. Who everyone thought was annoying. Who was quirky and weird, and hardly anyone cared to get to know how good of a friend I can be. I have a distinct personality now. I think so deeply about things, that nothing ever makes sense. I even collect rocks, how cool is that? When I go to high school, this is the person I'll be. Not someone who's afraid to introduce herself because she might be judged. I'll just be me, and if they don't like that, at least I'll know I was true to myself. 

If I were to die suddenly, I wouldn't have liked who I was these last couple weeks. So I at least owe it to myself to try a little bit harder, and be who I want to be. And something I have to understand is that life is just a huge rollercoaster, with ups, downs and in betweens.