The Story Doesn't End With the Book

I wish I could skip to the good part

Ayla, December 2020

"Wow it's cold." I say.

"You can say that again," River shoots back, from the other side of Maryn's garage. 

At this point, we all know the drill. Meet up in Maryn's garage, usually freeze our butts off, talk about personal stuff. All while Maryn writes things down in her huge notebook that looks like it needed five trees to produce all that paper. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little. 

At first, this started out just as research for her final project. But now I think we've all grown to enjoy it and we don't notice her questions as much. It's a safe place for us to listen to each other, and give advice as needed. 

Asher, Maryn and I are wearing winter coats like sensible people, but River is in a rain jacket. I'll never fully understand that girl. She seems to not feel anything. 

"So, guys." Maryn starts after turning up her portable heater a few notches, "I have a pretty big topic today. I want to hear your thoughts on...high school."

The room is quiet for a few seconds, and all anyone notices are the puffs of hot air coming from our mouths with every exhale. 

"Kind of sucks, honestly." Asher says quietly. 

"I'm with you," I say. 

River lifts her head from where she was fiddling with her jacket zipper and scrunches half her face in thought. 

She breathes out, "Eh, I don't have any strong opinions. I definitely would've preferred actually going to school rather than half online, but it's not like the material has been hard or anything. I'm usually so socially connected, and I'm obviously disappointed that I didn't get to meet that many new people at school."

There's a silence for several seconds, before Asher rests his elbows on his knees and speaks. 

"I suck at making friends. It's not that I'm a mean person. I'm just awkward. I make friends okay when there's someone else there who I know. But when it's just me and a bunch of unknown strangers...it's different." 

"I can second that." I say. "I think the biggest thing for me was that I expected high school to be this huge deal, and then when I actually started, it was really unimpressive. I wish I could just skip to the good part, when there's no covid."

Maryn laughs a little, at a thought in her head, apparently. We've all leaned a little bit forward in our chairs, eager to listen to what the the others have to say. 

"If only we could go back in time and tell our pre-covid selves, that things are never going to be as much as they hoped." She shakes her head, 

Asher pulls his hat further down over his ears. "Honestly, I don't wish that. I think that the only way things are going to get better for us is if we live in the moment. We'll always think that the grass will be greener on the other side, or in the future, or if we hadn't done this or that etc... but it's not always true."

"Yeah, that makes sense," Maryn says, "For me, I thought that high school would be my fresh start. But really, it was exactly the same as elementary school. And instead of wishing I could go back, I learned from that. I realized that hey, you know, even though this sucks, I know now that the way you think things will be can turn out to be the opposite."

River starts to take her hair and twist it into a side braid. She laughs and starts talking to Maryn about some inside joke they had in elementary school. 

I think more carefully about my opinions on high school. I think they all got ruined by the expectations that were presented from movies and books. In high school you go to all these dances, you have football games and cheerleaders, everyone has at least 10 friends. In reality, this is Canada. And you don't make friends with half the school on the first day. I had to learn that sometimes people build things up to be way more than they are.

I'm still hurting about my brother too. I know, it's been almost 5 years, but you don't forget something that big. It's left a gaping hole. I decide I shouldn't keep something this big from my friends anymore. 

"Guys, I have something to share."

They nod, and River stops doing her hair, giving me her full attention. 

"When I was ten," I stop, not entirely sure how to say this. 

"When I was ten, my older brother left. He went away and he never came back. Never talked to us, or visited. I haven't heard from him in 4 years." My breath gets a little shaky, and one of my hands instinctively folds together; bunched up.

They all look at me with shock. Not pity. I'm glad, I hate pity.

River says, "How old was he?"

"He was eighteen. He had a right to leave, but he never told anyone why. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. It's not recent or anything."

"No." Asher interrupts me, "You're telling us this because it's a part of you. You're hurting about it, and that's not something you have to be ashamed of. It's normal to feel like a piece of you is missing. He's your brother, and that's not an easy loss."

I nod. It feels good to have them know. I don't want to be that girl with all the mysterious secrets. I want my friends to know me. 

"Sometimes I worry that my friends are suddenly going to decide that I'm not good enough for them, and they'll just leave." My eyes water a little, and I blink away the distress. "I know it's irrational, but it happens."

Maryn rubs her hands over her thighs. "Ayla, I appreciate you. And I think these two do as well. We are here for you, and not here to judge. To listen, and to try to help as best we can. If there's anything you ever need, you can ask. And thank you, for sharing that. I'll keep that confidential, it's not going in the project." Her eyes twinkle with the same kindness that's in her heart. 

I smile through my shaking lips, and think once again, how lucky I am that these people are my friends. I shouldn't have been afraid of telling them this. 

River and Asher smile at me too, and I feel the grin spread wider. 

"Can we just point out the fact that River is hardly dressed for this freezing cold weather? How are you not cold?"

"Okay, guys, I lied, I'm completely frozen. I have to head home or I won't be able to move my legs!"

I point at her, "I knew you weren't a secret superhuman!" 

We all laugh, and once again I notice how natural all our conversations are. These are the people I belong with. I'm so glad to have found them.