Your heart is broken and I can tell when you talk, when you say his name, when you're scrolling aimlessly through your phone. I know you say that you're okay, but I know you're not because I wouldn't be either. And it's okay to not be okay - I want you to know that.
He broke your heart and now he's trying to make you feel guilty, he's trying to make you feel his emotions. He's playing mind games with you and that isn't fair. All those nights he spent ignoring you only to leave you up in the middle of the night in a panic because he still hasn't texted you back. All those days he told you to just leave him alone because he didn't want to talk to you. All those constant feelings of not being good enough and rejection by the one person who was supposed to love you forever.
Then he finally does it, he pushes you away for good. You tried and tried, but your heart just couldn't take anymore hurting. You finally muster up the strength to walk away and you leave. You've been toying with the thought for months now, but you never wanted it to get to this point, but it has. He leaves you with no other option than to walk away because you tried so hard, you gave him your whole heart; he used to honour and respect that, yet now he just walks all over it and treats you like shit.
It's not fair to you, that's not what you deserve and you finally started to realize that.
You leave and you feel this sense of freedom, you feel happy, you feel like a weight has been lifted off of you. Then he comes back - like clockwork.
It's different this time though because he's the one begging for your attention. He's telling you he messed up, that he's sorry, that he won't do it again, that you're his world. He tells you all the things he has said before. All the things that make you weak and want to go back because he knows you love him desperately. He knows that you'll take him back if he says the right things.
And it hurts, deeply. He could just ignore your messages to him like that over and over, he makes you feel like nothing for a whole week and he texts you once like that and you just want to give in. It's taking every ounce of you to fight back against that urge because you know he doesn't mean it. You know things won't change.
He keeps breaking your heart over and over, even when you're trying to move on. I know part of you wants to go back to him, how could you not? You love this man with your whole heart and as soon as he comes back all you want is to take him back. But I know you're fighting the urge, I know you're coping in your own way and you are trying to survive without him.
And you are; you're surviving without him. You're getting stronger without him, even on your weakest days. You're moving on without him, you're trying to let go of the life you imagined with him and you're starting to focus on you, and what makes you happy.
You should be so proud.
He always had power over you, even if you couldn't see it. He always tried to manipulate you to make you believe you needed him, to make you think you would be nothing without him and now you're realizing you can make it on your own. Now you're realizing just how strong you truly are and that's amazing.
It's not easy. I know the way you struggle, but you're doing it. You're finally starting to live a life that makes you happy. You're not waiting up for someone to text you, you're not laying awake in the middle of the night questioning why he doesn't love you like he used to, you're not beating yourself up over what you could have done better. You're free from his restraints and that is allowing you to see how truly strong you are.
You don't need him, you never did. You're complete on your own.
