Even if you know what's coming you are never prepared for how it feels. This proved to be true when we ended. I knew it was bound to happen; we had been through so much, so many arguments led us to the end, but the love never stopped flowing. We both knew in our minds that we had to end our relationship no matter how hard our hearts fought that instinct. Eventually, it was just a matter of who would do it first — it ended up being you.
In a way, I am glad you broke up with me for the sole sake of me not having to be the one doing the soul-breaking; however, if you did it that meant my soul was the one being broken. And I don't say this meaning you weren't hurt by it too, because I know you were, I say it as in you had reached the level of emotional preparedness that I had yet to reach.
Now to be completely honest, once it set in the first thing I felt was relief. I was relieved and I felt so, so guilty because of that. You seemed to regret it and be hurting for the first two months, while I was telling you 'no, this is for the best'. But then it came my way, the hurt, the homesickness and the aching. It hit me like a brick wall. All of the sudden, I needed you by my side. I needed you to hold me and I needed to know that you were mine. At this point though, I was too late. You had dealt with the emotion and forced yourself to get over it, yet I was just beginning to accept it. My reaction to our ending did not follow the normal path. Instead of: cry, ice cream, cry, fuck a random, move on. I went through something a little more like: anger, relief, happiness, loneliness, sadness, cry, cry, cry. With that being said, I am now at a point, six months later, where I have accepted all the horrible things we did to each other and I have also accepted all the good things we experienced together, all the love.
Our relationship was strong, passionate and full of so much love and respect. I feel guilty now because I tried to cover all the good with negative connotations of your name. I was wrong to do that. I am sorry for everything we did to hurt each other. I am not sorry for our beginning, nor am I sorry for our ending. I will always love you and I wish you the best.
