Yuanfen / / Jenlisa AU/ /

My Mental State Is Fucking Me Up

I sat waiting for them to speak, all they've been doing now for a few minutes is staring at me

"What" I spit out softly

I'm not hurting myself more just cause they can't stop looking

"When we got into the bathroom. You we're just, laying there. Mouth full of blood, eyes ready to shut." Jisoo starts carefully

Oh no. She's not thinking I'm ready to die is she?

"Yeah?" I ask, sipping once more on the hot mint tea.

Chaeng, Chan and Jisoo share a look before Chaeng comes over to me

"What were you thinking about in there? Like what was on your mind Jen?"

What was on my mind?

I wanted to say bye to my mother properly, and wanted to curse my father's ugly ass yellow suit.

I smirk thinking about seeing the piece of wasted fabric being swallowed by flames. I'll burn that damn suit.

"See!" Jisoo shouts, looking angrily at me.

Chaeyoung shakes her head and takes a step back

"s-see what?" I ask slowly, not understanding why Jisoo looks like she wants to throw hands

"Your not taking this seriously! Your fucking playing around with your life as if this shit won't kill you! You wanna complain about how you've always got shit on your mind, but when you literally could have died your thoughts were good enough to smirk about!" She shouts, tears running down her cheeks

I can't shout, and shouting isn't gonna do this situation any good anyways

"I don't know what you want me to do Chu. All I do everyday is wallow in self pity. Don't you think that's enough? I know, I haven't made a decision on what to do yet, but just in case you forget, I'm still trying to figure out my life. Y'know as a 19 year old? Not all of us have the mental strength to deal with so many things at once." I spit sarcastically.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I hate that she insinuating, no practically telling me I don't give two shits about my life when all I've been doing is trying to sort it out

Chaeng looks at me in shock, as does Chu.

But Chan? He just nods his head, as if he expected this

"Look. I'm sorry okay? I-I'm stressed, tired and honestly feel like giving up. I didn't mean to snap at you" I apologise, taking a larger swig of the tea. The boiling hot tea drips down my sore throat, soothing it's pain.

Jisoo shakes her head and hugs me. 

"D-don't give up Jen. Please don't"

<------------------------------------------------>

"Was that what you wanted to talk about Chaeng?" I ask, Jisoo with her arms wrapped around my waist and her head on my shoulder.

And she calls me clingy?

"No it's not." She says, staring at the floor.

"Have you thought about getting the surgery to remove it?" She asks, as if she's afraid of my answer.

"Surgery? I read it, but not fully" I admit. 

Jisoo lightly slaps my stomach, making me laugh slightly.

"They remove the Hanahaki from you. Your completely free of it."

I raise an eyebrow as she looks over at Chan, who seems to be in deep thought.